Mitchell: This is for our Lily. T-they're suggesting that she skip fifth grade and go right into middle school next year. "Lily is testing far above her grade level..."
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: "... and we feel she would benefit "from a more challenging curriculum."
Cameron: Huh.
Mitchell: I know! All these years we thought that she was, uh... God, what's the word?
Cameron: Different? Peculiar? Odd? Mean?
Mitchell: So many words. But... she was just really smart. Holed up in her room every day after school, she wasn't...
Cameron: Plotting to kill us?
Mitchell: I was gonna say daydreaming.

Joe: Mama, I have a stomachache. And my ankle is broken.
Gloria: [gasps] And you can walk with your broken ankle?
[Joe drops to the ground]
Jay: I had a cousin got out of Vietnam that way.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Whenever Manny's getting a lot of attention, Joe gets very needy... "My head," "My arm." In Colombia, we say, "If it's not bleeding, shut your guinea-pig hole." We actually do eat guinea pig.

Phil: Baby pictures of Luke?
Alex: More than baby pictures. You're gonna watch Luke grow up to sappy music.
Phil: Why are you doing this?
Haley: To get all the crying out of your system so you don't melt down at the graduation. It's like when you drink too much and your friends get you super-wasted so you never drink again for the rest of the week.

Mitchell: It's so weird... every time I step into a middle school, I feel like I'm 14 [shudders] again. That... was on me. He wasn't gonna do anything.
Lily: How much is his therapy costing again?
Cameron: [sighs] We used to think that was snark. Now we know it's wit.

Alex: Well, that's it.
Haley: Hopefully you're all cried out.
Phil: You remember when he hid that mouse trap under the pillow to catch the tooth fairy? [sobs]
Alex: Dad, we got to start getting ready for the graduation.
Haley: Yeah, so maybe splash some cold water on your face and wrap it up.
Phil: Do you guys remember that "Luke Loves Daddy" rap? [rapping] ♪ My name is Luke Dunphy ♪ ♪ And I'm here to say ♪ ♪ I love Daddy ♪ [sobs]
Haley: I thought you said he'd be cried out by now.
Alex: Dad, please, you really got to stop.
Phil: That's what he said when I was the tickle monster! [wails]

Joe: Hey, look at me! I'm about to talk to a stranger!

Claire: My baby, my baby!
Phil: Well done, son.
Haley: [voice breaking] Remember how cute he was in his little Buzz Lightyear costume?
Alex: [voice breaking] Or how he used to say "burfday" and "Li-bary"?
Claire: He still does.
Phil: [flatly] This is tearing me up.

Mitchell: Um, what are you doing?
Cameron: Well, I'm just trying to see if there's anything else about Lily we haven't noticed. Like... she plays golf?
Mitchell: No, we would know. Aren't there greens fees?
Cameron: And what about this? "La Dolce Vita"?
Mitchell: She likes Italian films? Well, no wonder she thought "Ice Age: Collision Course" was boring.
Cameron: I liked it.
Mitchell: What else? [gasps] A photo of Lily shaking hands with the governor?!
Cameron: What? When?! Okay, maybe we need to start paying more attention.
Mitchell: Or if it ain't broke...
Cameron: Yeah, she's fine.
Mitchell: She's fine.

Javier: Hello, hello?! Where's my son?
Manny: Dad!
Javier: Ha ha ha!
Jay: What, did he hop the gate?

Luke: Awesome! A watch!
Phil: We wanted to give it to you early so you could wear it to graduation today.
Claire: Yeah. It's shockproof.
Alex: Oh, good. You can show it your grades.
Luke: I love it.
Phil: What time is it? [voice breaking] Time for my little man to go out in the world and make his mark, like the tiny trouper he used to be.
Luke: [sighs] Hold on. I'll be right back.
Phil: I remember when he was so small, we'd give him a bath in the sink.