Manny: [aside to camera] Luke somehow beat me in the election for president, and I still can't get over it.
Not to be hyperbolic, but humans are a decade away from fighting apes on horseback.

Gloria: Look, Joe. This is a goat.
Joe: [goat bleating] Ahh, I'm scared!
Gloria: No, no, no, there's nothing to be scared of. That's the way he says, "I love you." Of all the animals, this one is the one that sounds the most like an informer being tortured.

Gloria: [aside to camera] I cannot have another son that is afraid of animals. When Manny was 5, he went to a petting zoo with a backpack full of truffle popcorn. By the time they pulled the pigs off him, [voice breaking]
he was only wearing one sock.

Haley: [aside to camera] Rainer's taking me to Cabo for the weekend. So, I had a problem. I wasn't sure if my hairdryer ran on Mexican electricity. Oh, and telling my dad. I had two problems.

Jay: He might have had a heart attack. We probably ought to do something.
Jerry: Oh, I saw some champagne back there.
Phil: It's the guy on the ground!
Pharmacist: Oh! Take the defibrillator, I'll call 911.
Phil: Guys, help me out. I don't know what I'm doing. I watch a lot of "Grey's Anatomy," but I fast-forward through the non-romantic scenes.

Claire: Any suspicious activity on that phone bill?
Mitchell: Well, Cam spent $100 on the psychic hotline, but that's normal during the run-up to award's season.

[As Mitchell churns butter:]
Claire: This reminds me of the time I walked in on you watching "Top Gun".
Mitchell: You need to stop telling that story.

Phil: [aside to camera] Jerry used to live next door. He's been going through a brutal divorce for years, and he was gonna spend Thanksgiving alone.
Claire: Phil thought it'd be a good idea if he spent the day with a happy, functional family. We couldn't find one, so he's coming with us.

Claire: Hey, Flavor Flav, what's up with the giant watch?
Jay: It's my doctor being a pain in the butt. One high reading, I got this thing taking my blood pressure all day.
Claire: Wait, are you okay?
Gloria: No. He needs to quit cigars and the terrible food. Last week, I caught him in the garage eating a Polish sausage.
Jay: What a man does behind his water heater is his own business.

Gloria: Oh, Cam, and you had the scarecrow made to look like Mitch!
Cameron: No, no, no, my mom sent that out from Missouri. I grew up with that. I even learned how to dance with it. I guess, now that you mention it, I do have a-a type.