‘Thanksgiving Jamboree’
Season 8, Episode 7 - Aired November 16, 2016
As Cameron spares no expense when he hosts the family for a Thanksgiving country jamboree, complete with a petting zoo, Claire wonders why Mitchell is so comfortable joining in on the rustic fun. Phil struggles to get used to the idea Rainer Shine is dating his daughter. Jay tries to enjoy a stress-free day while he's hooked up to a blood pressure monitor, while Gloria wants to teach Joe not to be afraid of animals.
Quote from Phil
Jay: I keep having this dream that he's dying of thirst in the desert, and I hit him with my car.
Jerry: I thought you were over it.
Jay: I thought I was. Let's get out of here before my cuff explodes.
Jerry: Yeah, he already ruined my family. I don't want him to ruin my Thanksgiving too.
Phil: No.We're not going anywhere. It's time someone stood up to the weasels who sweep into our lives, break up our families, and take our loved ones to Cabo.
Jay: I feel like you're making this about you, but you're right. Do you know when my high blood pressure started? When I met that guy.
Jerry: Is this when someone's supposed to say, "Get him!"
Jay: No. You hold him down. I'm gonna beat him with this orthopedic shoe. Come here!
Phil: Let's not lock into our- our first idea.
Quote from Cameron
Manny: Runaway goat!
Gloria: Ay! Aw, you wanted to run to the barn! Aw!
Cameron: Let me put a positive spin on this. Who here likes goat?
Quote from Phil
Jerry: Hello, you son of a bitch. Hope you like that deodorant, 'cause you stink!
Jay: Wart remover. Well, if that works, there'll be nothing left.
Lawyer: Well, well, well. Norbert and Pritchett. Jay, I don't think I ever got a chance to thank you for buying me my first Ferrari.
Jay: I wish you drove it off a cliff.
Lawyer: Like the one my house is on, which you also paid for, thank you? [chortles]
Jerry: This doesn't sound like we're getting him.
Lawyer: Look, you want some free legal advice, fellas? Three words: ladies, leave, losers.
Phil: No, sir, we have three words for you. Have you no sh-- Have you -- Have no -- have you no shame- It can be four words.
Lawyer: Who's this chuckle-head?
Phil: Someone who you're never gonna know, 'cause I'm happily married most of the time.
Quote from Jay
Phil: No no no, we're not gonna save him! Jerry, no, Jerry. Jay, get him off me!
Jay: Look at his basket. Wasn't much of a life.
Phil: [electricity surges] Ohh!
Jay: Ah, hell, I'm gonna regret this.
Lawyer: [groans] I'm feeling better, Pritchett. I think it was just gas.
Jay: Better safe than sorry. [defibrillator powers up]
Quote from Jay
Jay: Hey. What's a matter, kid?
Joe: I loved Mr. Goat. He died. Please don't smoke.
Jay: Hey, don't you worry about a thing, Joey. I'm not going anywhere.
Quote from Haley
Haley: Dad, I don't care what you say. I'm going to Cabo.
Phil: You sure are.
Haley: Sure, I'm gonna get kidnapped by Aztecs and sacrificed in a volcano. I get it.