Luke: Hey, what's on this goat's head?
Cameron: That's my big idea- A camera to capture everyone's delight! Guess what I call it.
Manny: Goat-Pro?
Cameron: That's also a good name, yep.

Jay: [aside to camera] Here's my trick. As soon as this thing goes off, I start singing sweet '70s soft rock to mellow myself out. Those songs could do anything. Seals and Crofts came on, lady's bell bottoms came off.

Claire: I know it's a bummer, Haley going to Cabo.
Phil: I wouldn't salt those margarita glasses just yet. Once I remind her how much fun Thanksgiving weekend is here, she's not going anywhere.
Claire: Well, I hope it goes better than your big presentation on why the Ice Capades were cooler than Coachella.

Claire: What could Cam have done? [gasps] Maybe he's the one who's having an affair. I saw a list of clues in a magazine. Has he joined a gym or bought sexy new underwear recently?
Mitchell: I think it's sweet that you think we're capable of having an affair, but we're just so tired.

Joe: I got you a blanket, Mr. Goat.
Gloria: No, no, no, no, no! We're going to wait for Santa Claus by the chimney!
Joe: But it's Thanksgiving.
Joe: What about Mr. Goat? How come I don't hear him anymore?
Gloria: Ay, Mr. Goat is fine! Baaa! Did you hear that? What is it, Mr. Goat? Baaa! He's saying that he needs some time alone. Look, there's some cookies for Santa. Here, why don't you go and sit by the chimney and wait.
Joe: Santa!

Cameron: Hey lookit, it's not my place to try to parent your kids.
Gloria: Good.
Cameron: But one thing we learn on the farm is that death is a part of life.
Gloria: If you tell Joe what happened to that goat, death is gonna be part of your life.
Cameron: You know what, kids can handle a lot more than you think. And every step, from birth till the end, has its own magical beauty.
Lily: So, do we jam the goat in the garbage or heave it over the fence?
Cameron: Teach your children well.

Cameron: I just saw we were running out of pumpkin dip, and I know it's your favorite, so I brought you some.
Mitchell: What's your game?
Claire: Yeah, show us your underwear.
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: Why are we so understanding about Fizbo, huh? What are you hiding?
Cameron: Hiding? Shame on you. It's Thanksgiving. I want to celebrate with my husband, my daughter, my lovely family, Jerry. I think it's sad that you two look at life as some sort of game where everyone's trying to get away with something. Some people are just nice.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: They bought it. Truth is, I paid for the jamboree with money we had saved for a romantic Hawaiian vacation. I even sprung for fancy straw bales flown in from Missouri.

Jay: You know, I learned something today. I saw a man nearly die right in front of me. And this is a constant reminder that it can happen to me at any moment. It's a lot to think about. So I'm not gonna. [takes off blood pressure monitor] Phil, get me a beer. Jerry, get me a scotch.

Mitchell: Oh, I am exhausted. I'm counting down the days till we're in Hawaii.
Cameron: Sweetie, I don't know if you can count that high. You remember how cool I was with the whole Fizbo thing?
Mitchell: Cam, you spent the Hawaii money on this party, didn't you? What is wrong with us? From now on, can we just be honest with each other, all right? No more games.
Cameron: Deal.
Lily: Hey, daddies. You look tired. I made you some grilled cheese sandwiches. Love you.
Cameron: Well, there's something we did right.
Mitchell: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Lily: I needed them in a good mood. I kept this from the petting zoo. [pets a chicken]

Cameron: Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, Dwight has one of the most important games of the season next week and I can't have you getting him sick.
Alex: Yeah, I'm over the mono.
Cameron: But it could still be contagious, and I have a fun costume idea for you. How about being an old-timey bank robber? You gotta cover that face before the marshal gets to town.