Jay: But now that I got you here, what do you think?
Manny: That you wore cargo shorts to my middle-school graduation, but you're putting on a bow tie for some dog's birthday party.
Jay: It's all good fun. The Birnbaums can't have kids. They like to do it up big for Buster.
Manny: I had my fifth birthday in a break room of a Der Wienerschnitzel, but good for Buster.

Jay: Why are you so cranky?
Manny: This kid at school ripped me off for 40 bucks in a pyramid scheme.
Jay: Did this have something to do with that broken plastic pyramid on your dresser?
Manny: It looked like marble in the picture.
Jay: Oh, man. Where were you when I was growing up? I'd have had your dice and cigarettes before you got to homeroom.
Manny: Where'd you go to school, "Guys and Dolls"?

Jay: Bark Mitzvah. What a concept. Beagles and lox, dog briskets. Whoever's in charge of the wordplay, bravo.

Manny: Why are you home?
Gloria: Buster's party was a Bark Mitzvah. I don't know why Jay would take me to this place.
Manny: I don't know. Maybe this dog stuff is his way of trying to find a common interest with you. It's hard. You don't like golf or scotch or Eisenhower documentaries.
Gloria: It's true. I don't like Ike. But the people in this party, they are so obsessed with dogs. Even the punch bowl was in the shape of a toilet.
Manny: Well, it's not like Jay doesn't get out of his comfort zone for you. He's going to your green-card picnic tomorrow.
Gloria: You're right. He even bought star-spangled sombreros for everybody. It's the wrong country. He never listens, but... But he's sweet.

Mitchell: Cam, are we terrible people?
Cameron: For protecting a Vanderkoff? He hanged himself last year. It's not like they're making more of those.
Mitchell: We just rolled a bipolar divorcee face-first onto a hardwood floor. All to protect a couch.
Cameron: It's not just a couch. Our one nice thing. The last seven years have been about sticky countertops and horsy shower curtains and childproof locks. Do you know what's in this drawer? I don't know what's in this drawer.

Alex: Alec.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: His dumb dad got transferred to dumb Africa to operate on some dumb babies. So fixing their hearts is worth breaking mine?
[back:]
Alec: It's kind of worth it. He can do like six operations a day.
Alex: Yeah. I-I-I understand. I'm sorry I'm lashing out. I-I just really like you.
Alec: I still like you.
Alex: You're making this worse.

Haley: Look what someone left in our mailbox, again.
Claire: Wait, that's like our fifth one, isn't it? It's getting kind of creepy.
Haley: Oh, relax. It's probably just from Victor, that flower-delivery guy I dated.
Claire: Who's Victor? We never heard about him.
Haley: Oh, because I knew you'd never let me go out with an ex-con.
Phil: Hey, maybe it's Dylan trying to win you back.
Claire: So, Victor, it's a closed door?

Alex: Has it ever occurred to you that those flowers could be for me?
Phil: What do you mean?
Alex: I mean, like, from my boyfriend.
Phil: What?
Claire: You have a boyfriend?
Luke: And you thought my thing was crazy.

Alex: Okay, I'll show you a photo. Well, I would, but now my phone's not working. Oh, here he is.
Phil: In the supermarket flyer?
Claire: That's him pondering the pork chops?
Phil: What's to ponder? They're $4.59 a pound.

Phil: Why would she do that?
Claire: Maybe she's upset that none of us thought those roses could be for her.
Haley: Oh, and remember when she couldn't get a date for homecoming? She said she didn't care, but I caught her crying in her room.
Claire: Oh, honey, what did you say to her?
Haley: Oh, I-I was super late, so I didn't really...