Claire: Phil! You told me you sold your dad's RV!
Phil: And you told me you were running your 5-mile loop! This street is on your 3-mile course, so who are you really mad at, Claire?

Mitchell: Sweetie, I know you're really tense about this...
Cameron: No, no, no! Don't jinx it, don't jinx it!
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Cam is up for head coach at the University of Nor...
Cameron: Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup!
Mitchell: [inhales]
Cameron: Bup, bup!
[Mitchell alone to camera:]
Mitchell: Cam is up for head football coach at the University of North Central Missouri. It's his dream job, and they're supposed to call him about it today, and it's making him a little crazy. In f-fact... C-Claire's always Dad's favorite, and I-I'm really miffed about that.
Cameron: [walks by] Oh, boy. This again, huh? [sits down] Okay. No, go on.

Cameron: Now, may I give you a piece of advice from my first date? Don't say how much you want to have kids, and don't cry, because your makeup will run.
Lily: I'm more worried about my date running when he sees you two there.
Mitchell: You'll barely even notice us, okay? Just be yourself. You are... You're so funny. [gasps] Okay, tell that funny story of the old drunk guy who was kissing the donkey.
Cameron: Oh, because your family's perfect?

Cameron: Okay. Oh, my God! That's it! That's the job! Where's my phone?! Where's my phone?! This is the worst thing that could be happ... Okay, it's just my mediation app. [breathes out]

Lily: Okay, you need to control your man. If he gets bad news tonight and melts down in front of Randy, I can kiss "kissing him goodbye" goodbye.
Mitchell: Okay, no, I gotcha, I gotcha. Come on, let's go.

Claire: I understand we all get attached to things that belonged to our parents.
Phil: That's not it. I'm doing this so you and I can have some adventures. Can't you see yourself making lists and folding shirts while we drive across the Golden Gate Bridge?
Claire: We're never gonna use this thing. It guzzles gas, and it takes an hour to park.
Phil: Well, then leave it here. You've always wanted a guest house.
Claire: Not one with seat belts at the dining table.

Claire: What do you say we leave the babies with Farrah and the grown-ups go out and talk about this over dinner?
Phil: Great idea. Oh! Four people, though. Try fitting that in a regular car. Wait a minute. What if we took the R... You kidding me?! Remind me to buy some wheel blocks!

Cameron: Oh, my God! My phone's buzzing! [sighs] It's just Longinus. Yeah, we know. You met Marie Osmond at a Five Guys. Nobody cares.

Claire: Haley and Dylan were having a little bit of a meltdown, and we thought we'd hit Spuds one last time before they close for good.
Mitchell: I know. It's sad, isn't it? Remember we used to spend all of our birthdays here... ...and Spuddy Holly would always sing to us.
Claire: Yes! Oh.
Both: [sing] Scalloped, fried, or lyonnaise Spuds' potatoes amaze Happy birthday
Lily: [to her date] I want to stress that I'm adopted.

Gloria: Please just take those pills. You're more crooked than General James Wilkinson during the Louisiana Purchase.