Claire: Haley, get off your phone. The babies are fine with Dylan's mom.
Phil: If you're feeling tense, my dad's old foot bath is in the RV. Plugs right into the cigarette lighter.
Claire: Honey, there could be a money volcano that plugs right into a white wine fountain in there. I still wouldn't want it.

Haley: I keep remembering things I forgot to tell her. My kids are already sociopaths. I don't need to give them a strawberry allergy on top of it.

Mitchell: You know what? Hey, let... let's all turn off our phones. Come on. Yeah, you can... No, come on. Live in the moment. I mean, appreciate the fact that we live in a town with family and friends all sitting at the same table where... Oh, yeah, "Eisenhower planned the D-Day invasion." Well, that's probably not true.

Jay: I'm gonna use the restroom. Will someone order the table-side baked potatoes? I mean, that's half of why you come here... for the show.

Phil: Public restroom, huh? Shame he can't go in the privacy of his own car.
Claire: It's true. The RV does have a bathroom.
Phil: And a bolted-down Mr. Coffee, bear-proof undercarriage food bins.
Claire: And how many miles would you say is on it?
Phil: Wait! You're selling her on Craigslist? And this isn't even a good picture! This is her bad side!

Mitchell: Hey, look, I get the value of an RV, Claire. There is so much natural beauty to explore here in California.
Gloria: The Golden State!
Cameron: Wait. Are you really trying to get out of moving to Missouri?
Mitchell: No, no!
Gloria: Sounds like what we need is a Missouri Compromise.

Cameron: Four pills? Is he gonna be okay?
Claire: He can handle it. Dad lived through the closet scene in the '80s.
Mitchell: So did I.

Gloria: Ay! Sorry, mister. Are you okay?
Dylan: I actually don't feel anything, which is even more scary.
Jay: Don't be scared to feel, buddy. You could end up running away from an emotional situation with your kids, and those are always the most rewarding.

Jay: [voice breaking] In a way, he raised me.
Joe: Pull yourself together, man!

Phil: The point we're making, Haley, is that it's natural to worry over your kids. It... It just means that you love them.
Haley: So, I'm always gonna feel like I screwed them up somehow?
Claire: Kind of. I mean, eventually, you'll be able to laugh at it... probably around the time that you're reassuring your own children that they didn't screw up their babies.