Haley: I wonder if his parents messed him up, too. You know, I read on a mommy blog that bad parenting is a direct link to future criminality... and deejaying.

Cameron: Sorry. I forgot how that story ended.
Mitchell: It ended with us in the ER of one of the best hospitals in the world. Nice having that only a mile away.
Cameron: I'll have you know that the life expectancy in Missouri just climbed above Arkansas and Guam.

Gloria: I see your cold is better.
Claire: Turns out it was, like, an allergy... thing.
Gloria: And Pepper's Great Danes?
Cameron: Oh, uh, well, you know, they're big dogs. They... um, and they don't, uh, uh, live long. So they're... they're dead.
Gloria: I must look like Frederick Seward during the Alaska Purchase, because, apparently, you think that I'll buy anything.
Mitchell: Gloria, okay, okay. We're s... We're sorry... We're sorry we lied to you, but if it makes you feel any better, Longinus took this really great photo of you at the Shakira concert the night that you missed Lily's clarinet recital because of pink eye.
Gloria: Ohh! I see that you've been waiting to spring that attack on me, just like Andrew Jackson in the Battle of New Orleans.
Jay: Is this my life now?

Jay: You know, Randy, you remind me of a young me, prowling Saigon with a Vietnamese beauty. There was this one bar I used to...
Gloria: Let's go. Let's get you some black coffee.

Dylan: Well, what happened? Did he come back?
Phil: That... That was you, buddy.
Jay: I love this kid. I remember when he was a baby. [laughs]
Dylan: We met my senior year of high school. Who does everyone think I am?

Mitchell: Well, now, there's a small victory at least, right? First date was a success, and we get an assist. S... Uh, sorry... football term.
Cameron: Eh, except it isn't.

Jay: It's probably good to be emotional every now and then. I should probably practice letting it out without a pill. [to Joe] Hey, I was proud of you in that show you did. I love you!
Joe: I know. We had this conversation four times last night.
Jay: Really?
Gloria: Um, maybe you should check your call history.
Jay: Oh, no.
[elsewhere, Phil plays a message on his answer phone:]
Jay: [on Phil's phone] You inspire me. And I think I'm rude to you sometimes because I'm scared of that, Phil. This is a long way of saying... [voice breaking] I think I finally have a best friend. You inspire me. And I think I'm rude to you somet...

Joe: Are you Daniel Boone?
Boy: Who's asking?
Joe: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I just came to see Kentucky, the fifth-largest tobacco producer and the third-largest coal producer in the country.
Gloria: I feel like I am there.
Jay: The only thing more painful than children's theater is what's going on with my back right now.
Gloria: Why can't you take the pills that the doctor gave you so that you can enjoy your son's tour de force?
Jay: I just need a little stretch. Doctors give you pills for everything today.

Teacher: Now we need a volunteer. Mr. Pritchett, thank you for your enthusiasm.
Jay: What?
Teacher: [whispering] One of our players has been kidnapped by his stepfather, but the show must go on. Place a star on the flag every time a territory becomes a state.
Jay: Seriously, but do the police...

Gloria: [on the phone] Where are you? You're missing Joe's tribute to the 50 nifty United States.