Mitchell: [v.o.] We all want people to think the best of us
Cameron: So sometimes we cover things up to protect ourselves
Jay: But we don't have to be afraid
Gloria: Because the truth is always a good thing.
Mitchell: The truth sets us free
Cameron: Brings us closer.
[cut to:]
Cameron: So, do you want to tell us how Joe's shoes ended up on the wrong feet?
Lily: I guess the little guy knows how to put on his own shoes.

Phil: [aside to camera] Tonight is the SCARB. Southern California Annual Realtors' Banquet. It is the banquet for southern California realtors. Literally, it's the only one.
Claire: And this guy is the only two-time host-
Phil: Three-time.
Claire: Three-time host in the history of the event. Unfortunately, I have to miss it this year.
Phil: It's for the best. She's invisible at these things. It's tough being married to the rock star.

Mitchell: Oh, my gosh. That's you and Michelle Obama.
Wendy: That's my aunt.
Mitchell: I am so sorry. I don't know why I thought that-
Wendy: Calm down, white guilt. It's Michelle Obama.
Mitchell: Oh, good, yeah.

Mitchell: Yeah, you've accomplished a lot in 15 years.
Wendy: Professionally, yeah. I haven't had a date in six months. Some sundays, I drive out to visit my frozen eggs. But, on the plus side, I have gotten really close with my mom.
Mitchell: Oh, look at that. I see the resemblance.
Wendy: That's Maya Angelou.
Mitchell: Damn it.
Wendy: It's signed, Mitch.
Mitchell: Yeah. I see that.

Jay: I do love it in leather.
Gloria: Well, learn to love it in silk. It's too hot outside to be wearing leather.
Jay: I'm talking about this car. Oh, by the way, I do the negotiating at the dealership today.
Gloria: Why?
Jay: Honey, I'm a businessman. When it comes to people, I know how to get what I want out of them.
Gloria: This watch, the man sold it to me for half of what he was asking. These, a third. These, for free. So, who's better at working people, Mr. Businessman? Fine.
Jay: We have different approaches, but we're both pretty good.

Jay: Hey, buddy. You look like you want to get up and walk. Late bloomer -- fine. Who cares if the other kids call you "Slo-Joe"? And they do, you know.

Drew: And my dad has three tattoos. Like, "Why? You're a dad."
Alex: Ew! It's so sad when parents try. My mom double-pierced one of her ears, and I'm like, "Hello! You're 50." It's so old, like, ancient to have an ear piercing.

Claire: [aside to camera] "Ironic"? My ass. Alex likes Drew. She's just playing it safe. Now, there are the pushy, obnoxious moms who try and get involved, nudge them towards one another. We mean well.

Angela: Fancy shirt, coach Tucker.
Cameron: Oh, thank you. You know what I like to say. I might be coach, but I travel first class.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Senor Kaplan, legendary Spanish teacher. You know, my heart went out to him a little because he left as everyone's favorite, and I'm sure word got out about, you know... me. I just didn't want him to feel displaced.