Gloria: So, you think that Jay wants me to spank him?
Cameron: Well, if he's like some of the successful, powerful men I've been with, yes.
Mitchell: Who are those men?
Cameron: What are these things I don't do?

Alex: I just need your signature on my insurance form.
Phil: I told you to stay positive. How much fun is this gonna be?
Alex: It's really not about fun. It's gonna be a lot of hard work. The pressure's off the charts.
Phil: Well, that would explain the mental-health waiver.
Alex: The last undergrad they let into the program completely snapped. They found her wandering the Freedom Trail wearing nothing but her safety goggles.

Phil: It's a role-playing game. I'm Zorel, a 19th-level wizard with 30 gold ingots and a cow who used to be my son.
Alex: I'm familiar with the game. I go to Cal-Tech. The guy who invented it gave our commencement speech last year.

Jotham: Why is your piano covered with a sheet?
Cameron: Oh, um, well, because they recommend it. They say even five minutes of direct sunlight on a new piano like this, your keyboard turns into something like an English person's teeth, so...

Claire: Hi, Sam.
Mitchell: Oh, my God. Okay, you're that desperate to get into the magazine.
Claire: No. I am going to expose him for the fraud that he is. He claims that his precious little list is merit-based. When I was wearing sweatpants, he wasn't interested. Now that I've gussied up a little-
Mitchell: He's gonna put you on the cover.
Claire: Really? Do you think? Shut up.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] So I couldn't have been more wrong about our friends. I mean, yes, yes, they can be snarky at times, but when I really needed their support, they were completely there for me.
Cameron: You know, you should take a look at your life and see what happened to make you so untrusting.
Mitchell: I should. G-Gaw! And to think we we locked them in that bathroom for no reason.
Cameron: That couldn't have been fun.
Mitchell: Yeah, I know. Uh, the same thing happened to me once, remember? When that the handle accidentally fell off. The- The- The night of our first fight.
Cameron: Yeah. Yeah, vaguely. [Cameron gets up and walks away]
Mitchell: That was an accident, right? Cam.
Lily: [o.s.] Did you fix the doorknob yet?
Cameron: Just another minute, sweetie.
Mitchell: Cam!

Gloria: I talked to Joe about what he saw, and he's not scared anymore.
Jay: Great. Can you do the same for me?
Gloria: I'm sorry I did that to you, but I really thought that that's what you wanted because that's what you did to me.
Jay: But I heard you tell Rebecca you thought that spanking would help.
Gloria: With Joe and his room.
Jay: So it was a misunderstanding.
Gloria: Exactly.

Gloria: Yeah, but, you know, that nothing is missing doesn't mean that we cannot add a little something to it.
Jay: Yes, I'm being honest. I've got a few requests for the band.
Gloria: Like what?
Jay: You know, I feel weird talking about it. Why don't we write some of this stuff down, toss it in a hat, and see what we pull out?
Gloria: Ah!
Jay: You fired that right off.
Gloria: That one sounds fun.
Jay: [laughs] No peeking.
Gloria: Ay, I said I was gonna do that one.
Jay: Oh. Right. Let's take it upstairs.

Jay: You ready for round two?
Gloria: Of course I am.
Jay: What are you doing down there?
Gloria: It says, "My left foot."
Jay: You got another movie.

Cameron: God, that was amazing. What do you call that?
Mitchell: That's a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.