‘Spanks for the Memories’
Season 9, Episode 15 - Aired March 7, 2018
When Jay overhears Gloria on the phone talking about spanking, he decides to spice things up in the bedroom. Now that Mitchell has an amazing new job, he and Cameron throw a party to break the news to their friends, who have been pitying him lately. Meanwhile, Phil helps Alex grapple with the question of prestigious internship.
Quote from Cameron
Gloria: So, you think that Jay wants me to spank him?
Cameron: Well, if he's like some of the successful, powerful men I've been with, yes.
Mitchell: Who are those men?
Cameron: What are these things I don't do?
Quote from Alex
Alex: I just need your signature on my insurance form.
Phil: I told you to stay positive. How much fun is this gonna be?
Alex: It's really not about fun. It's gonna be a lot of hard work. The pressure's off the charts.
Phil: Well, that would explain the mental-health waiver.
Alex: The last undergrad they let into the program completely snapped. They found her wandering the Freedom Trail wearing nothing but her safety goggles.
Quote from Alex
Phil: It's a role-playing game. I'm Zorel, a 19th-level wizard with 30 gold ingots and a cow who used to be my son.
Alex: I'm familiar with the game. I go to Cal-Tech. The guy who invented it gave our commencement speech last year.
Quote from Cameron
Jotham: Why is your piano covered with a sheet?
Cameron: Oh, um, well, because they recommend it. They say even five minutes of direct sunlight on a new piano like this, your keyboard turns into something like an English person's teeth, so...
Quote from Claire
Claire: Hi, Sam.
Mitchell: Oh, my God. Okay, you're that desperate to get into the magazine.
Claire: No. I am going to expose him for the fraud that he is. He claims that his precious little list is merit-based. When I was wearing sweatpants, he wasn't interested. Now that I've gussied up a little-
Mitchell: He's gonna put you on the cover.
Claire: Really? Do you think? Shut up.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: [aside to camera] So I couldn't have been more wrong about our friends. I mean, yes, yes, they can be snarky at times, but when I really needed their support, they were completely there for me.
Cameron: You know, you should take a look at your life and see what happened to make you so untrusting.
Mitchell: I should. G-Gaw! And to think we we locked them in that bathroom for no reason.
Cameron: That couldn't have been fun.
Mitchell: Yeah, I know. Uh, the same thing happened to me once, remember? When that the handle accidentally fell off. The- The- The night of our first fight.
Cameron: Yeah. Yeah, vaguely. [Cameron gets up and walks away]
Mitchell: That was an accident, right? Cam.
Lily: [o.s.] Did you fix the doorknob yet?
Cameron: Just another minute, sweetie.
Mitchell: Cam!
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: I talked to Joe about what he saw, and he's not scared anymore.
Jay: Great. Can you do the same for me?
Gloria: I'm sorry I did that to you, but I really thought that that's what you wanted because that's what you did to me.
Jay: But I heard you tell Rebecca you thought that spanking would help.
Gloria: With Joe and his room.
Jay: So it was a misunderstanding.
Gloria: Exactly.
Quote from Jay
Gloria: Yeah, but, you know, that nothing is missing doesn't mean that we cannot add a little something to it.
Jay: Yes, I'm being honest. I've got a few requests for the band.
Gloria: Like what?
Jay: You know, I feel weird talking about it. Why don't we write some of this stuff down, toss it in a hat, and see what we pull out?
Gloria: Ah!
Jay: You fired that right off.
Gloria: That one sounds fun.
Jay: [laughs] No peeking.
Gloria: Ay, I said I was gonna do that one.
Jay: Oh. Right. Let's take it upstairs.
Quote from Jay
Jay: You ready for round two?
Gloria: Of course I am.
Jay: What are you doing down there?
Gloria: It says, "My left foot."
Jay: You got another movie.
Quote from Mitchell
Cameron: God, that was amazing. What do you call that?
Mitchell: That's a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.