Cameron: Look, if he said Lily's lucky to be here, then he's clearly unhappy at Pepper and Ronaldo's.
Mitchell: I mean, w-what kid wouldn't be? I mean, that house is so sterile. Do you remember when Pepper got made at me and he laid down plastic before throwing a drink in my face?

Pepper: No, I'm deflecting! I feel the sickening threat of brutal honesty, I feel the sickening threat of brutal honesty, and I'm wildly uncomfortable.
Cameron: Okay, well, here goes. We think it's great that you adopted Lionel, but... [Pepper and Ronaldo gasp] Okay, a little early for that reaction. I haven't even gotten to say, I haven't even gotten to say, "Stop imposing your fancy ways on that poor child." And hit it. [both gasp]

Mitchell: Anyway, um, part of parenting is exposing your children to things that you value. You know, art and culture and good food.
Ronaldo: That's exactly what we're doing.
Cameron: But it's also about letting them figure out who they are, doing things that they want to do even though you don't like 'em.
Mitchell: Yeah, he's a kid. He doesn't want opera at bedtime and caviar on his eggs. He... He wants to play ball and eat Cheetos.
Pepper: Well, I did see him spit some sashimi into a napkin, but I hoped he was just worried about his weight.

Lionel: Just so you know, I don't care about kickball or Popsicles or any of that stuff. I like how we live.
Pepper: You do?
Ronaldo: Lionel, don't feel pressured to say that if you don't mean it.
Lionel: I mean it. Backgammon in the study, cheese from France, not a cheetah in sunglasses.
Pepper: Lionel, you're melting my heart.
Ronaldo: Mine, too, you perfect boy.

Mitchell: You told Lily that she was lucky to live with us. Remember?
Lionel: I was trying to make her feel better. I got so much, and she got... They give her haircuts at home.
[Pepper gasps]
Cameron: Okay, I took a class.

Alex: [aside to camera] Sex painting on the wall means Alex was in her head. [wagging her finger] And I wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon. I don't know where that came from.

Jay: Hey, fella. What happened in there?
Shorty: I'm a fraud, Jay. I'm a damn fraud.
Jay: Come on. We all cry at weird stuff. For me, it's when boxers hug after a fight.
Shorty: It's not the crying I'm worried about. You were right. You said I would lose everything if I went to Costa Rica, and I did.
Jay: What are you talking about? I-I-I thought you were a big juice magnate.
Shorty: Lies! It's all lies, Jay! I'm not no juice magnate. I had a juice stand, and things were okay... until these monkeys got a hold of my knives. The lawyer says I can't talk about it. Then Darlene takes off with this honcho in zip lines and leaves me. That's why I've been avoiding you. I'm a disgusting loser!
Jay: Who are you talking to? You don't need to be embarrassed.
Shorty: But you said, "Don't come crying to me when it all turns to hell and I have to pick up the pieces." You said that!
Jay: It's just what you say. Of course I'm gonna pick up the pieces. What else would I do? You're my best friend.
Shorty: And you're my best friend, damn it.

Gloria: Manny, open the door. I know you're in there.
Manny: Mom, what are you doing here?
Gloria: I know that you said that you wanted your space, but it's so hard on me, okay? So I want a text message at the end of every day telling me that you're okay, and three times a week, a picture of your face so that I can look into your eyes and see if you're lying to me.
Manny: Mother, we texted yesterday morning.
Gloria: No, we didn't. That was days ago.
Manny: Yesterday, at 8:37A.M., you asked if I got your care package and said, "Don't tell Jay I gave you a sausage," then you accidentally hit voice memo and I heard you tell Stella to go in the yard and die.
Gloria: I'm sorry. I just miss you.
Manny: I guess it's not so terrible if you stop on by every now and then.