Gloria: Don't worry so much. Babies are tougher than you think. When I was 5 years old, my babysitter was a goat.
Jay: What?
Gloria: Ay, please. You know about Lupe.
Jay: You never said she was a goat.

Haley: I am very normal. Please do not judge me based on them.
Jorie: Are those your My Little Pony Sheets?
Haley: What? No!
Claire: Oh. I ordered them online. They must've sent the wrong ones. I'm very sorry.
Phil: That's what was in the box.
[Phil knocks over the box, dumping the condoms on the floor]
Phil: Oh. Okay. Uh, for the record, I am a respected realtor. Those are not my condoms. She bought 'em.
Haley: Oh, my God.
Phil: Apparently, that's what people do these days. Buy condoms for their kids. When I went to college, my parents bought me a bicycle helmet. That was their idea of safety. Certainly didn't need condoms.
Claire: Mm, not if you were wearing a bike helmet around campus, you didn't. Am I right?

Phil: "The most amazing things that can happen to a human being will happen to you if you just lower your expectations."

Pam: What if something happened to them? What kind of hazards do you keep in there?
Mitchell: Well, let's see. That's where we keep our gun collection, our abandoned refrigerator, and our chocolate-covered hypodermic needles.
Susan: Why are gay men always so sarcastic?
Mitchell: It's my coping mechanism!

Cameron: [aside to camera] If you ask me, sometimes we get so hung up on our differences, we forget the one thing we have in common. When it comes to the safety and well-being of our children, we're all a little bit nuts.
Pam: You have dainty little hands, just like your daughter.
Cameron: You have boots like my dad.

Gloria: I'm not saying that the goat put me to sleep or brushed my teeth. It just stayed outside my bedroom window and scared all the strangers away.
Jay: Well, I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little disappointed.

Gloria: If the baby's different, we'll be different.
Jay: Hey. When you were growing up, you had to be the man of the house and the kid. Now I'm here. You just have to be the kid. I'm not gonna let anything happen to the baby, just like I'm not ever gonna let anything happen to you. Okay?
Manny: Okay. That is a load off. Although you forgot to pick me up last week after tango class.
Gloria: We didn't forget. We were just ten minutes late.
Manny: Ten minutes is a long time in a sketchy neighborhood.
Jay: Please. It was between a Gymboree and a Pottery Barn.

Phil: [v.o.] "Take a lesson from parakeets. If you're ever feeling lonely, just eat in front of a mirror." "Never be afraid to reach for the stars, because even if you fall, you'll always be wearing a parent-chute. TM."

Mitchell: Look how much fun you're gonna have here, Lily. So many great toys to play with, and you're gonna make so many new friends. Oh, I wish I was in kindergarten again.
Cameron: Oh, not me. Did I ever tell you about David Anthony? He used to call me "Cam the Ham."
Mitchell: Okay, Lily's day.
Cameron: Yeah, you're right. You know what? It's gonna be a great day. I'm just saying, it's difficult to grow up with a name that rhymes with "ham."
Mitchell: Hello? Mitch? Witch. Twitch. Bitch. Elaine Stritch.
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: Not all bullies are straight.

Phil: Believe me, sir. I'm a respected realtor. This is an innocent mistake. Honey, turn around and show him your- your butt. It- It's uncanny.