Principal Roth: Mr. Tucker, what happened out there was unacceptable.
Cameron: I agree. Is this kindergarten or "The Hunger Games"?
Principal Roth: I'm speaking of your behavior. We've never had an incident like this, and now we've had one on the first day, before circle time. What the fudge were you thinking? Now the boy's parents are coming in, and trust me, they're mad as Hello Kitty.
Mitchell: Oh, you told his parents on us? That is- That is so not cool.
Cameron: Well, I'm sure once they hear what their boy did, they will be understanding.
Pam: All right, whoever made our son cry has messed with the wrong moms.
Mitchell & Cameron: Lesbians.

Claire: Wow. We couldn't even get through the toast to Haley before you pulled focus to Lily.
Mitchell: Oh, come on. It's- It's a big day for both of them.
Claire: Huh? Haley going to college is a miracle. Lily going to kindergarten is the law.

Claire: Okay, we gotta hit the road. Give your sister a hug good-bye.
Haley: Don't dork up our room.
Alex: Don't slut up your college.
Haley: Seriously, though, don't study too hard, okay?
Alex: I'm totally going to have fun. I'm Iceland in the mock U.N.
Haley: Mom, we're gonna lose her.

Claire: Luke, come say good-bye to your sister.
Luke: [muffled voice] I'm right here. Bye, Haley. Have fun. Don't drink too much beer and shots of Tequila.
Haley: Why are you wearing that mask?
Luke: Uh, I like it.
Claire: He doesn't want you to see him cry.
Alex: He's literally masking his emotions.
Luke: No!
Haley: That's so sweet. Come here.
Luke: It's not sweet. I'm an evil cyborg. Half my face was burned off in an industrial accident, and the mask is hiding the servos that control my mouth.

Mitchell: Where'd she go?
Lily: Ow! That hurts! Ow! That hurts!
Mitchell: Oh, Lily, honey! Sweetheart, come here. Come here.
Cameron: [to the boy] If you ever put your hands on my daughter again, I will string you up by your feet, run you up the flagpole, and let the birds peck out your eyes. You understand?

Principal Roth: Enough. I'm gonna give you a little homework assignment. I want you and your kids to have a family playdate. Maybe if the four of you can get along, you can set a better example for your children.
Susan: I think that's a wonderful idea. Pam?
Phil: Fine.
Mitchell: Cam?
Cameron: Fine. We'll host, obviously.
Pam: "Obviously"?
Cameron: Well, I assume you have an unfinished woodworking project at your house.
Pam: You've got a lot of nerve.
Susan: Yeah, and you've got half a canoe in our living room.
Pam: I look forward to your frittata.
Cameron: Oh. Why, are you visiting us in 2008?

Teacher: Now we are going to pull the other corner 'round, and tuck it in nice and snug like a burrito.
Gloria: Done! I win.
Teacher: It's not a race.
Jay: You're darn right. It wasn't even close.
Teacher: Okay, it's good, but it's a little tight.
Gloria: It's a burrito. You don't want the meat to fall out.
Teacher: Here. And try like this. And see? Now your baby can breathe.
Gloria: I wrapped my son with one hand while driving a stick. I think I know how to keep a baby safe.

Phil: Man, I love being back in the dorms. It's like I never left. Throw up a David Copperfield poster, this could be my room.

Susan: So, tell us about yourselves.
Mitchell: I'm an environmental lawyer.
Cameron: Uh, and I'm a homemaker.
Pam: Hmm.
Mitchell: And- And, uh, and what do you do?
Susan: I'm a financial consultant.
Pam: I'm a contractor.
Cameron: Hmm.
Pam: You thought I was a P.E. teacher?
Cameron: Well, figured. Hey, I have a question real quick. How do you guys get the car seat on the motorcycle?

Susan: Uh, you know, Connor is having a birthday next week. Maybe Lily would like to come.
Mitchell: Oh, she would love that.
Cameron: Oh, great. Are you guys having a clown?
Pam: Oh, God, no. I hate clowns they're so creepy.
Cameron: Maybe you just don't like them because they wear makeup.