Mitchell: You don't understand. Cam used to be a clown.
Cameron: "Used to be"? Once a clown, always a clown.
Mitchell: God! Not now! Not now!

Teacher: You know, it's great that we have a couple of experienced parents in the class. Perhaps you can share some of your wisdom with the rest of us.
Jay: Absolutely. It's not rocket science. It's babies. They're hungry, you feed 'em. They're teething, you give 'em some scotch.
Teacher: Scotch?!

Jay: [aside to camera] So we left.
Gloria: I didn't need a lecture from Mary Poppins.
Jay: And I was suddenly in a mood for a burrito.

Manny: Jay, mom, how was class?
Gloria: It was great. It was very educating and- And now we know everything about the baby, no?
Manny: Uh-huh. Interesting, because your teacher called, and you forgot your sunglasses when you left, three hours early.
Gloria: Ay, Manny, don't be mad.
Manny: I'm not mad. Just disappointed.

Jay: Manny, it's no big deal. They weren't telling us anything we didn't already know.
Manny: We're going to have a baby. Am I the only one who's terrified?
Gloria: But why? Why are you so terrified?
Manny: What if it doesn't know not to pick up knives or stick its finger in an electric socket? You were pretty lax, mom. I was the one who told you to turn the pot handles towards the stove so I couldn't reach them.
Gloria: Manny, I didn't worry about those things because you worried for the both of us.
Manny: What if this baby doesn't think things through? It's part Jay.
Jay: No offense taken.

Claire: [answering phone] Haley. Hi, honey. You okay?
Haley: Yeah. Where are you guys?
Phil: Almost home, honey.
Haley: Dad, I really like that book.
Phil: You do?
Claire: Sweetheart, is everything okay?
Haley: Yeah, I just wanted to say thank you for everything, you know, today and stuff.
Claire: O-of course.
Phil: Sure.
Claire: Of course. If--if you need anything at all, you just call us.
Haley: I'll probably need some more condoms soon.
Phil: Not funny. I'm sending you some Care Bear sheets.

Haley: [on the phone] Anyway, I should probably get going. We have orientation at 7:00 a.m.
Claire: G-good luck with that, sweetie.
Haley: I love you, guys.
Phil: We love you, too, honey.
Claire: So, so much.
Haley: Bye.
Phil: Bye, Haley.
Haley: I'll miss you.

Haley: Don't you dare pick me up! And take that shirt off.
Phil: What? Why?
Claire: It's cute!
Haley: It's not cute! Do you see what's happening out there? People are walking around and judging each other.
Phil: No, they're not.
Haley: Oh, really? You didn't see the way muffin top across the hall was looking at me? People can be cruel.

Man: Wow, you two are really far along. We're, uh, we're still in our first trimester.
Gloria: Ay, that's nice.
Man: Yeah, we've been trying to get pregnant for ages.
Jay: She's Latina. You just gotta look at her funny.