Manny: Well, Haley and Lily aren't the only ones starting school. My mom and Jay are going to parenting class.
Jay: We're doing it for the baby. Not this baby. That baby.
Gloria: Manny doesn't believe that we know what we're doing. A couple of new hairs under his arm, and now he thinks he knows more than his own mother.
Manny: I know not to embarrass my son as he stands on the threshold of manhood.

Jay: I don't know why I have to go to this thing. In case you've forgotten, I raised two kids.
Mitchell: Ow!
Claire: Ow! Stop pulling my hair.
Mitchell: Stop twisting my nipple. Ow!
Claire: Shut up. Shut up.
Jay: Why look at me? It was their mother's fault. I was barely around.

Phil: Haley, this is, like, the third bag of makeup and hair care products.
Haley: Dad, if you want me to get good grades, I have to look cute. Don't say a word.
Alex: No. No. I agree with that premise.
Haley: Thank you. Wait. Yeah, thank you.

Phil: Claire.
Claire: Mm-hmm?
Phil: In Haley's stuff, a box of condoms.
Claire: Yeah. Um, I-I bought those for her.
Phil: What? Why don't you just buy her some fishnet stockings and a nurse's outfit? Not that that's my thing. That just popped into my head.

Claire: Honey, she's an adult, and she's going to college. I want to be realistic. I don't want her to get caught unprepared.
Phil: 24 times? What are you, buying her a 4-year supply?
Claire: Please. Phil, that would've lasted me and my college boyfriend, like, a long-
Phil: La, la, la, la, la, la, la!

Mitchell: I am so sorry we have to meet like this, but I'm sure you can understand, as parents, the instinct to protect your child.
Pam: Yeah, it's what makes me want to punch you in the neck right now.
Cameron: Wow. I see where your son gets all of his aggression.

[After Gloria is handed a black baby doll in the parenting class]
Jay: You have some explaining to do.
Gloria: I'm so sorry that you had to find out like this, Jay.

Jay: [offering the black baby doll to an African-American couple] I think they made a mistake at the hospital. Tough room.

Haley: Oh, my God. What is that shirt?!
Phil: Pretty sweet, huh? "Haley Dunphy Moving Co. " 'Cause we're moving you here and here. And also here.
Claire: Man, you used to love it when we swung you like that.
Claire: I bet we could still do it.
Phil: Yeah!

Haley: So take it off.
Phil: Fine.
Haley: Oh, my God! Put on a shirt!
Phil: I don't know what you want from me!