Mitchell: [aside to camera] We used to do this thing in school Where they would give you an egg, and you- You know, you couldn't break it. And it was supposed to teach you how hard it was to be a parent. But the real thing, it's- It's- It's so much harder.
Cameron: We did that in my school, too. It didn't turn out so well. Went through a dozen eggs.
Mitchell: Yeah, well, he's a nervous eater.
Cameron: No, I broke a dozen eggs.
Mitchell: Oh. I'm sorry. I just assumed that-
Cameron: I know. I know what you assumed.

Cameron: You'll be pleased to know that Mitchell and I intend on raising Lily with influences from her Asian heritage.
Dr. Miura: That is fantastic. Have you noticed any vomiting since the head bump?
Mitchell: Uh, no. No, no.
Dr. Miura: We've hung some art in her room, some Asian art, and then when she's ready for solid food, there is a fantastic pho place right around the corner from our house. Am I pronouncing that right? Is it "pho"? [fuh] It's a soup.
Dr. Miura: I don't know. I'm from Denver. We don't have a lot of pho there.

Mitchell: You know what, actually, maybe you should do this.
Cameron: Why?
Mitchell: I-I don't want to bump her head against the door, you know, pinch her with the seat belt.
Cameron: Mitchell, how long are you gonna beat yourself up over one mistake? Is this gonna be like the blonde highlights all over again?

Cameron: Oh, Mitchell, I told you not to put the keys in the bag!
Mitchell: Don't freak out. Come on, don't freak out!
Cameron: Lily, it's okay!
Mitchell: [singing] a, b, c, d, e, f, g
Cameron: What, are you singing to her? People get arrested for this, Mitchell!

Mitchell: Check the door. Check the door, check the door.
Cameron: It's not unlocked! Oh! [panting] Oh. Okay. That is amazing. How did they do that?
Mitchell: I don't know. It's just- We got it. Thank you.
Cameron: Did that come from space?

Claire: [aside to camera] I run five miles a day. I have a resting heart rate of 48. There is no way I'm going to lose a two-mile race to Johnny Ski Pole. But after seeing that t-shirt, I realized something. The first day of school is tough on all my kids, especially the one I married. Did I lose the race to make him feel better? Maybe.
But it just seemed like he could use a win today. We do strange things for the people we love. We lie to them.
We lie for them. There may be some bumps along the way, but we never stop wanting the best for them. That's what makes it such a tough job. But kind of the best job in the world.

Phil: I think you're forgetting that I power-walk every morning and that I wear my special shoes with the big soles, which were designed by a doctor.
Claire: Yes, I know. But I run every day.
Phil: You really think you can run as fast as me?
Claire: No, Phil, I think I can run much, much faster... Than you.

Gloria: I can't believe my little boy is going into the fifth grade. He used to hold my finger with his little hand and look at me with those big eyes.

Claire: Phil, put on some pants.
Phil: Come on, this covers up more than my bathing suit.
Claire: Yeah, don't remind me.

Claire: Haley just got her learner's permit. We've been taking turns driving with her.
[cut to:]
Phil: One of the really standard rules of the road is we want to keep a safe distance between us and the car in front of it. And that is not safe right there. Not safe.
[cut]
Claire: All right. Okay, merge. Merge. Merge! Merge, merge, merge, merge, merge!
Haley: Stop it! You're freaking me out!
[cut]
Phil: This navigation system's all messed up. It thinks we're in a park. Oh, my god, it is a park! Away from the kids! Aim for the lake!
[back]
Claire: Makes you realize we're all just hanging by a thread.