Jay: Hold on. What are you wearing there? That looks like an old Christmas tree skirt.
Manny: It's a traditional Colombian poncho. I want my new classmates to know I'm proud of my heritage.
Gloria: Si. I think you look very handsome, lindo.
Jay: Oh, really? Am I driving him to school, or is he gonna ride his burro?

Cameron: Are you still baby-proofing?
Mitchell: Everything we own is pointy. Why is our daughter dressed like Donna Summer?
Cameron: She is not Donna Summer. Clearly, she's Diana Ross from the RCA years.

Alex: A little help here?
Claire: This is why we suggested the violin.
Alex: The cello is more in demand in university orchestras.
Haley: You know what's not in demand?
Alex: Oh, what?
Haley: Girls who play in university orchestras.

Claire: Haley, honey, don't forget the driving instructor Is picking you up from school.
Haley: Can't he pick me up someplace else? I don't want kids at school thinking I'm dating a 40-year-old driving instructor who's not even cute.

Gloria: The last thing Manny needs on his first day of school is you under-melting his confidence.
Jay: Undermining.
Gloria: Now you're doing it to me, too.

Cameron: I got boo-boo bear from the freezer.
Mitchell: Why do you have chocolate on your face?
Cameron: It was under a pie.
Mitchell: So you ate your way to it?
Cameron: I made a judgment call. You weren't there!

Mitchell: [on the phone] Hey, hi. Uh, not a big deal, just wondering- When your kids were small, did you ever I don't know, uh, smack their heads into a wall?
Claire: Usually, we just gave time-outs.
Mitchell: No, no. Accidentally. Um, we- We just kind of bonked Lily's head, and she- It really wasn't very hard, and she's not acting any differently, But I just worry.
Claire: Relax. It happens. Luke used to bang his head all the time, and he's fine.
Mitchell: Okay. All right, thank you. Thanks. That helps. Okay, okay. [whispering to Cam] We got to take her to the doctor. Load up the car.

Gloria: [aside to camera] Jay's very spontaneous. He's always surprising me with little presents, fun getaways.
Jay: I wasn't the greatest husband the first time around, but I'm trying to do better this time. And maybe by my third marriage, I'll have it down pat. [chuckles] Yeah, that one's gonna cost me.

Gloria: Jay, he looks up to you. He respects your opinion.
Jay: We dodged a bullet on this, trust me. I've been down this road before. I remember one time Mitchell decided to wear a jaunty scarf to school. I kept my mouth shut. He got his jaunty butt kicked.

Gloria: So, we should crush Manny's spirit and destroy everything that makes him who he is?
Jay: I'm just saying, it's no fun to see your kid get picked on every day, getting tormented just because he's different. Now, I'm telling you, it rips your heart out.
Gloria: Well, Batman doesn't get picked on, and he wears a cape. A poncho is just a cape that goes all the way around.
Jay: Batman doesn't get picked on because he's a muscular genius. Manny can't make it to the top bunk.