Andy: Uh, I'm a hard worker, I am very clean, I am eager to please, I take super quick bathroom breaks, and I will never, ever... Oh! I'm blanking on the verb! W- Uh, when you give up on something?
Phil: Quit?
Andy: I had to ask because I don't know the meaning of the word.

Phil: Well, what were you doing at 20?
Claire: Me? I was getting a 4.0 in college. I was working 25 hours a week. I was volunteering at a suicide hotline. [shouting at Haley] Get off the couch! Do something with your life!
Phil: Was it an assisted suicide hotline?

Claire: Haley, honey, I wanted to talk to you about this whole thing with Andy.
Haley: What's there to talk about?
Claire: Well, I'm concerned that it is distracting you from what's really important.
Haley: Oh, Mom, there's nothing to worry about. You know, it's just sex.
Claire: What?
Haley: Purely physical. It's really just a stress-reliever.
Claire: [gasps] Oh.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I am not having sex with Andy. We're just friends. I'm helping him prep for a job interview that he doesn't want anybody to know about. The whole sex thing was the fastest way to end the conversation with my mother.

Phil: Mother nature!
Andy: Cheez-its!
Phil: Andy. I did not know you were there.
Andy: Sorry. Stupid little cat feet.

Claire: Andy, do you think this is a great idea, considering that you and Haley are... You know... Doing it.
Andy: Mother nature!
Phil: Cheez-its!

Cameron: I just love that we're here. Is there anything more important than clean water in developing countries?
Mitchell: Or a clean glass in this one?

Phil: I don't think she's getting enough sleep. Look at her. She's like a human Roomba.

Lily: Daddy, my doll won't stop crying.
Mitchell: Oh, honey, did you try the "off" switch?
Lily: Of course I tried the "off" switch!
Mitchell: Lily!
Lily: Sorry I snapped. She's been like this all day.
Mitchell: [hits the doll against a table] There you go. That never worked on you.
Lily: Ha ha.

Cameron: Traditionally, the varsity coach and his wife cook a big pancake breakfast for the football team for homecoming.
Mitchell: I do not like where this is going.
Cameron: Well, let me finish.
Mitchell: Okay, continue.
Cameron: How would you feel if you and I cooked a big pancake breakfast for the varsity football team?
Mitchell: Did you think that that was a twist?
Cameron: Mitchell, please.
Mitchell: No! No, unless you can convince Tom Brady to spend the night, I am not making breakfast for any football players. He- He is a football player, right?

Manny: You know, after you showed us that cool model, I started reading up on the "U.S.S. Constitution." Quite a ship in its day. Then, of course they invented steam ships. Your old sailing frigates just couldn't compete with those younger, faster, steamier models in the water.
Jay: You know, it's too bad you don't spend as much time on your Spanish homework as you do online finding passive-aggressive ways of using my hobbies against me. What's this?
Manny: Permission slip. Lets me transfer into French. Only one parent signature required. Come on, Jay. I can't take it anymore. I quit.
Jay: You're already starting to sound French.