‘Phil on Wire’
Season 3, Episode 3 - Aired September 28, 2011
Gloria is annoyed by how close Jay is getting to their dog, Stella. As Phil attempts to tightrope across the front yard. Claire chooses to teach the girls a life lesson but doesn't set the best example. Meanwhile, Mitchell joins Cameron in starting a juice fast.
Quote from Haley
Alex: They finally bumped me up to the harder math class. Third period, Mr. Waters.
Haley: What? No, Mom, you cannot sign this. This is my class. You're a freshman. What are you doing in second-year math?
Alex: You're a senior. What are you still doing in second year math?
Haley: Not "still!" Again.
Claire: Alex, be nice to your sister. Haley, not a good save.
Quote from Claire
Haley: I knew it would suck having you at my school.
Claire: Well, hang in there. A couple more years, you'll have it all to yourself again.
Quote from Claire
Claire: [mocking voice] "And yet I see no children emerging from the vehicle." How'd you like to see my fist emerging into your face? Oh! Now I think of it!
Quote from Alex
Haley: Her hand's in the air, like, every five seconds, and she actually reminded Mr. Waters to assign homework.
The class loved that. Do you know how embarrassed I was?
Alex: Not as embarrassed as I was when she said 8 was a prime number. 8, Mom.
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: [aside to camera] It's tough enough to deal with Cam when I'm at full strength, but I have been fasting just as long as he has, and I do not have the energy to deal with a big, needy brisketcase-- brass-- basketcase.
Quote from Manny
Manny: I've seen her do a lot of crazy stuff, but this is a whole new level. Is this a people cookie?
Jay: You're good.
Manny: A definitive "yes" or "no" would be appreciated. Those cupcakes did a number on me.
Quote from Gloria
Jay: Gloria, why are you acting so crazy? It's just a little dog.
Gloria: It's not the little dog that is making me crazy. It's you that is making me crazy.
Jay: Me?
Gloria: Yeah, you used to put me first. You used to want me in that shower.
Manny: Should I be here for this?
Gloria: No, Manny. It's okay. I go. But I want you to know this. Where I come from, men cherish woman. It goes wife, mistress, dog. Dog always at the bottom.
Quote from Phil
Phil: [aside to camera] What was on my mind as I was walking across that wire? I kept thinking, if I can do this, then I've got two ways of getting across my yard.
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: You know, I'm gonna check the lease, but I'm pretty sure we're not allowed to have a meth lab.
Cameron: You are a delight.
Mitchell: So what are you doing?
Cameron: I think you're gonna like this. I'm going on a juice fast.
Mitchell: Mmm. Love it.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Hate it. Let's face it, a well-fed Cam is hardly a model of emotional stability. Now deprive him of food, and stage by stage, it's a slow descent into madness.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: [aside to camera] Stage one: the clean sweep.
[cut to:]
Cameron: Poison. Poison. Poison.
Mitchell: Do you think that this is the best week to be doing this?
Cameron: Why not?
Mitchell: Well, we have that charity thing at my boss' house.
Cameron: Oh, so what, I'm supposed to put off my quest for wellness until we're no longer socially in demand? That will never happen. I'm too charismatic.
Mitchell: No. No. Not the cookies.
Cameron: Of course the cookies. Why do you always want me to fail?