Jay: Gloria.
Gloria: [imitating a Texan accent] Howdy, hubby. How about some grub before we turn on the NASCAR?
Jay: I'm not gonna lie. I like where this is going. But, uh, I'm not sure I'm supposed to.
Gloria: Ain't this what you want? The perfect American wife to make your life more convenient?
Jay: Do you think that's an American accent?
Gloria: It's from Texas.

Mitchell: So who's this "we" that's picketing?
Longinus: Every week a group of us get together to protest those who have been holding back the gay cause.
Cameron: Why haven't we ever been invited?
Jotham: You're not that political.
Longinus: You know, ever since- [points to Lily]
Lily: He knows I can see, right?

Mitchell: We are very political people.
Cameron: We were just discussing the potato famine of Ireland.
Mitchell: Yes.
Longinus: I haven't had a potato in four years.

Mitchell: Oh, my God. Can you believe that?
Cameron: Yeah, he's a little hippy for somebody that doesn't eat potatoes.

Sanjay: What do you mean, co-valedictorians?
Alex: "Co" is the Latin prefix for "together." But really, what do you mean, co-valedictorians?
Principal Brown: I thought there might be some aggressive questions that, uh, made me nervous and so I wrote down my remarks. Uh... "No, I'm not trying to ruin your lives. It's just that your GPAs are tied to the thousandth of a decimal point."

Javier: Manny told me about your plans to abandon your Colombian roots.
Gloria: Really? You're going to lecture me on abandonment? You left to buy some diapers, and I saw you four years later.
Javier: If only you could let that go as easily as your homeland.

Cameron: Well, it looks like you both have the same gym grade but I do see here that neither of you have completed this semester's mile run.
Alex: We were at a debate tournament.
Sanjay: Which we won, thanks to me.
Alex: Oh, please. After your long-winded summation on euthanasia people wanted to kill themselves.

Phil: This is crazy. Are we all so obsessed with being number one that we can't just celebrate this moment?
Claire: Yeah, I mean, it's the end of their senior year. They're both into great colleges. They should be off celebrating, playing hooky going up to the lake house to go skinny-dipping with their friend's older brother who's home from college.
Phil: Let's- Let's keep this general, Claire.

Vish: Every parent wants to believe that their child can compete with Sanjay.
Claire: But Alex can compete with Sanjay. That's why we're here.
Nina: Sanjay was forming full sentences at 13 months.
Claire: Alex had a poem published in Highlights magazine when she was five years old.
Phil: It was called "Mr. Lamb Buys a Ham" but really it was about the Holocaust.
Vish: When he was 16, Sanjay was the highest-ranked chess player in the state.
Phil: When Alex was 15, she discovered a mistake in our taxes. We owed a lot more money than I realized.

Claire: Let's settle this out on the track.
Principal Brown: All right. Coach Tucker, I'm assuming we can count on you to officiate.
Cameron: Well, now, normally I don't like to be the center of attention.
Principal Brown: That's fine. I'll get someone else.
Cameron: I said I would do it.