Jay: Who are we kidding? We both got it pretty good. Hell, I'm probably fighting with your mom more than I'm fighting with Gloria on this thing.
Mitchell: A bird fell out of a tree and he fed it with an eyedropper.
Jay: Just drop it, kid. We're both with people different from us, and that's gonna create stuff, but you want different. Your mom and I were perfect on paper and you know how that ended. [holding Barkley's hands] What I got now is a lot better. Sure, people look at us sometimes. And sometimes even I can't believe we're together. But we're happy. At the end of the day, there's no one I'd rather come home to.
Mitchell: You mean Gloria.
Jay: Who else?

Jay: Looks like I missed the party, huh?
Mitchell: What is- What is that doing here?
Jay: He is a gift for you and Cam.
Mitchell: Thank you.
Jay: He lost his monocle on the drive. Head was out the window.
Cameron: Well, they love that.

Claire: Okay, I checked the rest of the computers in the house. I didn't find any more porn.
Phil: That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Phil: I never meant to blame you for that whole picture thing. Your mom sort of thought it was yours and I should have stopped it, but I didn't.
Luke: So what was the picture of?
Phil: Well, it was a woman on a tractor and she had her shirt off.
Luke: Was it hot?
Phil: Okay, we're being honest here. Um, this particular woman- Well, my tastes do run to the curvy, and the cowboy hat did not hurt one bit. Couple that with the cutoff jeans- And you were asking about the weather, weren't you?
Luke: Yeah.
Phil: Well, this is good. This is good. [Luke walks away] You're gonna be going through some changes soon. And I think now you can feel safe talking to me about whatever.

Cameron: [as Barkley, in a British accent] And so it ends. Sadly, I've been summarily dismissed from the employ of Masters Cameron and Mitchell. The former being an utter delight, and the latter being a humorless snoot.
Mitchell: Just come on. Get him in the car. The thrift shop's closing.
Cameron: What is this exciting thrift shop you speak of? Many of my relatives were taken out of their homes to be released into the green pastures in their maturity-
Mitchell: Did you just say "matoority?"
Cameron: Unhand me, you brute! [later] I regret nothing! I'll pay you. I'm a comfortable man. I've been stealing from your father for days. [later] Oh, is there any better feeling in the world than having your ears flap in the wind?
Mitchell: You know what? Get out.
Cameron: You mean it? Sweet freedom?
Mitchell: No, not you, Barkley. Cameron, out.
Cameron: Oh.

Phil: Where are you going?
Claire: I'm going to pick up Luke from his sleepover. We need to talk to him about this now.
Phil: Claire, this is a very delicate situation. If we don't handle it right, Luke might end up having an unhealthy attitude about sex or agribusiness.

Gloria: [aside to camera] I am a very lucky woman. I have a wonderful family, a beautiful home. There's nothing that I would change. I hate the dog butler. I keep forgetting it's there. And every time it happens, it scares me all over again. Sometimes, at night, I think it's the devil. [whispers] El diablo.

Mitchell: Hey, Cam, does the gardener usually work on Saturdays?
Cameron: I don't know. He comes when we need him. He's like Batman but straight.

Mitchell: Is he crying?
Cameron: Oh, yeah.
Mitchell: We should probably go out the back, huh?
Cameron: He's clearly in pain. How can you just turn your back on a friend like that?
Mitchell: A friend? Really? Yeah? What's his name?
Cameron: Caesar Salazar.
Mitchell: You made that up. You were gonna say "Caesar Salad."

Claire: Luke was using my computer for this.
Phil: I'm gonna have to, uh, call you back. [hangs up]
Claire: He told me he needed it to do homework, and then I find this, a-a picture of a topless woman, with the biggest boobs I have ever seen, driving a tractor.
Phil: Okay. Um- Uh, first of all, that's a combine, not a tractor.
Claire: Phil! Phil! It is smut, and our 10-year-old is looking at smut! It's disgusting!
Phil: Completely unacceptable.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Here's the thing. That was my picture. Well, not really mine. There's this guy at work who sends out these links. Doesn't matter who. Gil Thorpe. He sent out another one of the same woman dressed as a battleship. You know, the- You get- Yeah. And then one of the Transformers- And then it- Anyway, I had every intention of telling Claire. I just wanted her to calm down first.