Jay: [aside to camera] Barkley? He's hilarious. I was in Vegas last month and I was winning. And I thought, I could do the usual, be a chump, give the money back to the casino, or I could do something smart and buy something for myself at the casino store. He's already a family favorite. He's a dog and a butler. I mean, who couldn't love him?

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Oh, one of my favorite childhood memories was attending the Moscow Marionette Theater.
Cameron: I grew up one mile away from Missouri's largest waterslide. And third largest in the country.
Mitchell: Oh, really, Cam. You never mentioned that before.
Cameron: You feel like-
Mitchell: Feel like a torpedo.

Jay: Hey, Gloria, do you have any idea why Barkley was in the guest room?
Gloria: I was just doing a little redecorating. Sometimes it's good to move things around just to see how they look.
Jay: Yeah, but the guest room? That's crazy. He's not a guest. He works for us.

Phil: You and I need to have a little talk.
Luke: About what?
Phil: Well, it's about computer stuff. Um- [clears throat] How do you make sure you've deleted something after you read it?

Phil: Well, you know, I kinda promised him we'd keep everything between us. Matter of fact, he'd be mortified if you brought it up with him ever.
Claire: Oh, God, really?
Phil: Yeah.
Claire: That actually makes me feel kinda bad.
Phil: Well, you're probably just feeling a little tense from all this. I know I am. You know what might help the situation?
Claire: Really? Right now?
Phil: I meant going out for a few pizzas. Where's your mind? I guess I live in a house full of sex maniacs.

Cameron: Okay, let's go.
Mitchell: No, please. I know it's killing you not to get back there in the middle of that.
Cameron: Oh, no, no, no, no. We are going. These folks can find their own way out. And now you'll know that I'm not a manic Mother Teresa out there collecting lost souls. [opens door to a middle-aged Latino couple] Oh, come on.

Jay: Where's Cam?
Mitchell: We got into a fight. Because of him, I have a house full of Latinos.
Jay: Welcome to my world. So, trouble in gay paradise, huh?
Mitchell: He just can't say no to anybody who needs help. And why do you have to always add the word "gay" where it doesn't belong?
Jay: Hey, hey, you're not mad at me. You're mad at the old balls and chain.
Mitchell: Okay, Dad, good talk. See you later.
Jay: Come on, I didn't mean it. Hey, I didn't mean it.

Luke: Mom, can I talk to you?
Claire: Sure, honey. What's going on?
Luke: I feel bad about something I did.
Claire: Oh, sweetie. Is this about the computer?
Luke: Yeah.
Claire: Something you shouldn't have been looking at?
Luke: Yeah. It was just so freaky. I couldn't stop looking.
Claire: I know, sweet pea. But the important thing is you did stop looking.
Luke: Yeah. After about an hour.
Claire: Okay. Well, it's perfectly normal to be curious about these things.
Luke: Some parts were funny.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Luke: And some parts just seemed crazy.
Claire: Well, I hope you realize that some of those parts weren't real. Obviously. [chuckles]
Luke: But they can be totally real, right? Like Anne Frank's? What? All I know is it really made me wonder about Haley.
Claire: That's disturbing, sweetie. Why Haley?
Luke: It was her journal.

Claire: When I find out that my children are looking at a naked picture online, they don't have any privacy.
Alex: Who was looking at naked pictures?
Claire: That doesn't matter.
Haley: I wasn't.
Luke: Wasn't me. That's gross. I'm 10! What's wrong with you people?
Claire: Wait a minute. If it wasn't you, who was it?
Phil: [enters] Mangia!

Gloria: I came as soon as I heard your message. You said that somebody was getting married?
Jay: [standing next to Barkley at the altar] Gloria, there you are. I've got good news. [Gloria walks away] What's the matter?