Teddy: Whoa, fancy.
Claire: Yeah, I know. Well, I did used to work here.
Teddy: W-w-wait. You're the Claire from the bathroom?
Claire: Oh, is it still here?

Jay: Hey, you! You owe me a phone call!
Claire: I know! I'm gonna call you! Hey! Teddy's here, huh?
Jay: Hey, you deadbeat, you owe me $50 for the gold.
Teddy: Well, maybe I'll slip it to you during your next prostate exam.
Jay: I'll bet you're counting the days, you perv.

Cameron: You and Jay really seem to have a thing, don't ya? And Gloria, what's the nature of your relationship with her?
Teddy: Well, actually, we just met tonight. You know, I'm not so sure she likes me.
Cameron: Really? ... Uh, well, I mean, she just takes a little time to warm up.
Teddy: Oh, thanks. And thank you, again, for coming tonight. With the money we raised, we'll be able to inoculate over 4,000 needy kids against some truly awful diseases.
Cameron: And how well do you know Luke?

Haley: Uh, what do you think you're doing out there?
Alex: I'm flirting.
Haley: That's what I was afraid of.
Alex: Look, I'm not gonna pretend I'm stupid just so a boy will like me.
Haley: Of course not. But you don't have to put the poor guy to shame. Flirting with boys is about increasing your value, not decreasing theirs.
Alex: That's a complicated thought. What magazine taught you that?
Haley: You're doing it again! The mean thing. Can you even hear it or what?!

Manny: Man, tough finding a hero in this family, huh?
Luke: You know, I've got problems of my own. I can't always be the lovable sidekick on "The Manny Show." Did you even notice I'm binge-eating?

Mitchell: Okay, what do you want me to do? Would you like me to ask them to break up with Teddy? Is that what you're asking?
Cameron: Of course not. would never ask that. That would be insane.
Mitchell: Well, good.
Cameron: It would be as insane for me to ask that as it would be sane for you to offer it.
Mitchell: So that is what you're asking.
Cameron: No, that's what I'm not asking. But if you decide to do it, I want it to come from you, not me, because I'm clearly not asking for it.
Mitchell: Okay, this is nuts.
Cameron: Is it? I worked my fingers to the bone to get these jumpy protestants to love me, and now I find out they're holding a torch for the man who came before me? It's not nuts. It's actually quite painful.

Mitchell: Okay, so listen. This is coming from me. No one else. Um but I need you to do something, and I don't want you to give me any flack.
Jay: Oh, jeez.
Mitchell: That's flack. I-I think it's a little weird how you all still hang out with Teddy so much.
Phil: Told you.
Mitchell: And I think it'd be appropriate if maybe you all, you know, stopped seeing him.
Claire: This is coming from Cam, isn't it?
Mitchell: [nodding his head] No, it's not.

Jay: There's no hurry. We're in a wooden box built in 1970.

Max: All right, before you get upset, this was just about convenience.
Cameron: Was it? Or was it a perfect metaphor? Congratulations, Mitchell. This is the saddest I've ever been in roller skates.

Claire: Honey, I'll talk to your dad.
Luke: You don't think he'll be upset I wrote it about you?
Claire: You wrote it about me?
Luke: Mom, you know me and homework. I didn't give it much thought. What's a hero? Someone who's not afraid of anything, and who's strong, that's you. But Dad's so great, too.