Mitchell: Oh, my God, 2004?! Th-That's a year into our relationship. "Oh, Cam, I hate to think of you living all alone in that tiny apartment with a broken ankle." [gasps]
Mitchell: And on the same day, she's e-mailing you, "It's too soon to move in with someone. I strongly discourage it." Which is exactly why I did it.
Cameron: And because you love me so much.
Mitchell: And because we were in love.

Gloria: No, no, no, not again! The red carpet that they sent me is orange, and they keep putting me on hold. I never thought that I could hate hearing "She Bangs" over and over.
Jay: You didn't?
Manny: Really?

Jay: Look, I know we've had our creative differences, but I really think we have a hit on our hands.
Manny: I'm pretty proud of it, too. And a little nervous to put it out there.
Joe: 'Cause you made the monster just like Mom?
Manny: No, we didn't.
Jay: What are you talking about?
Joe: That noise. It's what she says all the time.
Woman: [on video] She's coming! [warbling speech, monster says "I'll kill you]
Gloria: [o.s.] Stella, no! Out, out! I'll kill you!
Jay: How could this happen?!

Jay: [aside to camera] We spent weeks perfecting the monster's trademark scream by combining a bunch of unsettling noises. Horror movies are all about the sound.
Manny: Particularly when your special effects budget has been repurposed for an on-set massage chair.
Jay: Hey, you used it just as much as I did.

Jay: So, our monster sounds like your mother screaming? But we didn't know that before we put it in, right?
Manny: No, of course not, we love her.
Jay: To the moon.
Manny: Maybe she won't notice.
Jay: We better hope not.
Both: It's your movie.

Phil: She's asleep? How lucky.
Alex: Kind of lucky. She said she was tired and Haley gave her some tea.
Phil: What was in the tea?
Haley: You want her asleep, or you want to ask questions?

Luke: Mom just pulled up! Quick, longest straw goes first with her, then medium, then shortest.
Alex: Yes!
Haley: Yes!
Phil: That's the short straw. You're last.
Haley: Oh, damn it! I'm so used to a world where the smallest size wins.

Alex: What Mom, I-I hate to have to ask you this, but would you mind if I missed out on our Mother's Day trip?
Claire: Oh, no, why?
Alex: Well, Bill only gets one weekend off a month, and he wants to take me to the Grand Canyon. On a motorcycle.
Phil: What?!
Claire: Phil, chill. Sweetie, as your mom, I know I should say no, but let's face it, those books aren't keeping you warm at night. Let's get some bugs in those teeth, huh?

Haley: Mom, I'm bailing on our trip!
Luke: I made Dad play and we flew our drone into your face!
Phil: A man named Nigel Pickles may have our bank account numbers!
Alex: I'm gonna go.

Claire: Clearly, you all have bad news to tell me. But do you have to dump it on me when I'm in a good mood? Oh, my God, you did! That's what the window is! The one hour a month when I am a human to you people.
Haley: Sometimes it's longer.
Claire: Let me tell you something. You debutantes have it easy. You wouldn't have survived one day in the house where I grew up, where an actual crazy person was running the show.
Phil: Um, Claire.
Claire: The guilting, the shaming, the number of times I heard, "Where did I go wrong with you?"
Dede: Where did I go wrong with you?