Mitchell: Okay, okay, okay. W-What's going on here? Are you two, um, friends?
Dede: Yes. We talk on the phone, e-mail, exchange recipes.
Mitchell: Oh. Oh, is she the reason we've been eating so much quinoa?
Both: It's a super-food.

Mitchell: Okay, okay. Can I talk to you for a second? Come on. Okay, no reason to lie about it, 'cause I already know. How long have you been involved with this woman?
Cameron: Can I ask a question? Is there a chance you're just kind of making this all about Mitchell?
Mitchell: [gasps] That's her. Your mouth is moving, but that is her talking. Okay, don't you see what's happening? She's manipulating you to manipulate me.
Cameron: Don't you think I'm smart enough to know if I'm being used? I also have a mom.
Mitchell: You're out of your league here, bumpkin! Okay, this is a city mother!
Cameron: Wow. What happened to the seemly man I married?
Mitchell: You can't use it like that.

Phil: Okay, how's it looking?
Luke: Not bad. Who would've thought Mom and Teddy Roosevelt were identical front-teeth twins?

Phil: Okay, just give me a quick minute to dry the glue. Oh, can you throw that shirt on a hanger for me, actually? I need to look sharp for Manny's premiere tonight. I play the Sheriff, which is ironic because I steal every scene I'm in.
Luke: Dad, no! It's melting!
Phil: ZZ Top! I've ruined your mother.

Phil: Wait a second. Today's your mom's monthly spa day.
Luke: I'm not following.
Phil: Afterwards, th-there's a brief window when she's at her most relaxed and understanding. It's the best time to give her bad news. I was gonna tell her about the $500 I wired to that stranded British guy on the phone, but this seems more important.

Alex: Hi. Is Mom home?
Phil: Honey, you look nice. Why?
Haley: Did I hear Mom? Wait, you're dressed like a girl. No! You are not using the window.
Alex: You got the last one!
Luke: Did everyone know about this window?

Haley: Oh, wow. It is not easy doing something that dumb.
Alex: Yeah, this is why men are over. I hope you enjoyed the last 10,000 years.
Haley: Listen, I have to bail on our trip with Mom for Mother's Day.
Alex: No! I have to bail, you have to go! She cried when we asked her.
Haley: But my boss invited me to the Met Ball. Her therapy dog got the flu, so I get to fly first class. Well, on her lap.
Alex: But Bill wants to take me away. This is the first time I've had a boyfriend who's not spending Mother's Day watching "Driving Miss Daisy" and pulling gray hairs out of a hairbrush.

Phil: Dede.
Dede: I'm sorry to barge in. I was visiting Cam and Mitch, and there's some tension over there. Well, where's my daughter? I don't hear any cooking or cleaning sounds so I assume she's home. [laughs]

Haley: Dad, what do we do?
Phil: Mitchell must've brought her. Maybe he's still out- [tires squeal] Coward!

Cameron: Okay, before you throw a clot, please, come look at my laptop. Read the e-mails your mother and I have sent.
Mitchell: 743 e-mails!
Cameron: It's mostly from one thread.
Mitchell: Okay, look what she says in this one. "Some kitchen items you might like. The stove, the tiles"- What? the the the folksy sign on the wall, Cam! You said that these were your ideas. D-Don't you see she incepted you and and designed our whole kitchen?!