Claire: Nothing from the minibar, and no pay-per-view.
Luke: Can we at least-
Claire: No, you may not send things out for pressing.

Manny: No girl's ever smiled at me like that. Luke, we have to go to that bar mitzvah.
Luke: Why?
Manny: There was a connection. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like my whole life has led to this moment.
Luke: You made a very similar speech to get my mom to stop for those churros.
Manny: Luke, I need you for this. You're sneakier than I am. You're a bigger liar. You have no moral compass.
Luke: Look, thanks for all the compliments, but breaking into one stupid party? That's not even a challenge.
Manny: Oh, no. Three bar mitzvahs?
Luke: Now it's interesting.

Cameron: [aside to camera] We have the most amazing gift for Jay and Gloria's nursery.
Mitchell: It was Cam's idea, and it's a pretty big swing.
Cameron: It's not a swing. It's not a swing.
Cameron: I just need Jay and Gloria out of the house for a minimum of four hours so I can have my crew install it.
Mitchell: Simple.
Cameron: Please. If it were up to you, we'd get them something off their gift registry.
Mitchell: You mean the list of things that they specifically said that they wanted?
Cameron: Oh, they don't know what they want.

Claire: You can get a 1-day cushion for $8, or a 2-day for $12. Alex Dunphy. Last year, I got 2 Who wrote the 95 theses? My daughter went on to win the whole thing, and all I could think was "I just flushed $4 down the toilet."
Alex: John Calvin.
Claire: Whoo! Alex! I guess I just didn't want to presume that we would be here for the two days. But still, what kind of message was I sending with the 1-dayer?
Alex: You "whoo'd" me?
Claire: What are you doing here?
Alex: I'm out. I got the question wrong, which is embarrassing enough without you "whoo-ing" me!

Claire: She clearly misheard the question. The acoustics in here are terrible. Especially for a little girl just getting over an ear infection.
Alex: Oh, my God, what are you doing?
Claire: I was explaining your-
Alex: Oh, I heard, because my ears are fine.

Alex: I'm sorry. I didn't ask her to do this.
Claire: I'm trying to help you.
Alex: You were not. You were trying to help you. You're just mad because now you can't parade me around like some show pony.
Claire: That is not true.
Alex: Don't deny it. You bought the 2-day cushion.
Claire: [to the panel] Who are you to judge?

Cameron: [answering phone] Hello?
Dave: He's married. To a woman. Yeah, she's out of town. I don't know. They must have some sort of arrangement or something.
Cameron: So what? If they know about it, who cares? You're not ready for a relationship anyway. Just have some fun.
Dave: It feels weird. He has other people coming over. I think I'm gonna bail on this.
Cameron: He's just feeling you out like you're feeling him out. I promise you, these other guests will mysteriously cancel. [call waiting] Hold on just a second, sweetie. [beep] Hello?
Phil: Hey, you guys still coming?
Cameron: I forgot to call you. We have to cancel.
Phil: No problem. Bye. [hangs up] More margaritas for us. The other guys just cancelled.

Clerk: Here you go. For a small fee, we can come to your house and assemble it for you.
Mitchell: Yeah, my dad's more of a do-it-yourself-er, plus he's not one for strangers in his personal space.
Clerk: All right. Well, can I help you carry it to your car?
Mitchell: Yeah, he's not gonna go for that, either. The guy won't even use the wheels on his suitcase. Likes everyone to think he's this big, tough guy who... [sees Jay hugging the bunny mascot] Okay.

Jay: Can't we just get this into the car?
Mitchell: Why? So you're not late for your shrink session?
Jay: What?
Mitchell: Yeah. I picked up on that. Bunny hugger! Saw that, too. Mobile spinner.

Manny: My name is Manny Delgado, and I've been searching for you since you smiled at me in the lobby today, maybe even my whole life. It's too late for us to have the magical night I was hoping for, but it's not too late for us to have a memento of what might have been. I'll be waiting. [enters the photo booth]