Dave: [on the phone] I mean, I'm not even sure if it's a date date.
Cameron: You met him at hook-up central. Of course it's a date date.
Dave: Am I even ready for a date date?
Cameron: Tough love time, David, Simon left you six months ago, and you're bumming everyone out. It's time to get back up on that horse.
Phil: Hope to see you tonight, Dave. [mimics bulldog]
Cameron: I can't remember the last time a man made that sound for me.

Mitchell: Dad, I picked you up a diaper bag. Fun fact this insulated pouch will keep a bottle of prosecco cold for an entire Wiggles concert.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Doctor? Sweater vest? My dad acting all shifty? He was seeing a shrink. "Dad, I can see that you're going through something." "And I can see your bra strap, Oprah. Mind your own business." Tee up the football all you want, Lucy. Still ain't kickin'.

Dave: Wait a minute. Is that your family? Are you married?
Phil: Yeah, but don't worry. We have the house to ourselves. They're all out of town. I am long overdue for a boys' night.
Dave: Oh, so your wife is okay with-
Phil: Oh yeah. She suggested it. She knows I need this every so often. Long as I clean up afterwards, she's fine.

Mitchell: Dad, you're obviously going through something. Look, you do not have to go through this alone. I'm here to talk if you want.
Jay: That's really nice of you, Mitchell, but do you wanna do it here? 'Cause I saw a little princess table with a tea set on it. You and I could have a real gab fest.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Argh! I'm such a blockhead.

Claire: Are you freaking kidding me?! Macedonia and Thrace? What even is that?! You're hardly even listening! How could we lose this?! I said "we."
Alex: Yeah. You do that sometimes.
Claire: I'm so sorry. I am one of those moms. I like it too much when you win. I really love lording it over the other moms.
Alex: Well, in our house, I'm kind of your only source for that.
Claire: You're telling me. Haley e-mails me pictures of her nails. And Luke asked me if he's part owl.
Alex: He does get his head pretty far around.

Mitchell: So, dad, the cribs are over there, but while we're here, a little advice, you can never have too many onesies. All right? Any event, day or night. Throw one on, little pair of booties, boom-ready to go out. Dress it up, you could dress it down. You could- Dad? Dad?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Something was clearly going on with my dad, but I wasn't about to get sucked in. It's happened before. "Dad, you seem sad. Do you wanna talk?" "Talk?! What are we, girlfriends?" To use a sports reference, put the football away, Lucy. I ain't kickin'.

Phil: What's happening?
Dave: Nothing. My car keys.
Phil: Shoot. The TV went off. Must have screwed something up. You know what? It doesn't matter. There's another one upstairs. How about we head up to the bedroom for some halftime festivities?
Dave: Okay.
Phil: Let's do this. [barks]

Phil: Phil Dunphy, this is the year 2025. Welcome. You're the first one here.

Luke: Shall we hit the waterslide first?
Manny: I may just sit in the room for a bit.
Luke: Ugh. Stop moping! So you didn't get a date to one stupid dance.
Manny: It's not one stupid dance. It's the kickoff to the whole dance season.
Luke: It's like you've never heard boys talk.