Duane: But there's no substitute for experience. For example, I doubt my opponent is familiar with town ordinance 26-12B.
Claire: 26-12B has to do with noise pollution - something, sir, that you are guilty of right now.
Phil: [laughs] Oh, no she di'int!
Alex: Go, mom!

Phil: Look at her eyes.
Luke: I know. They're a little too close together. It's been bugging me for years.
Phil: No, she's in the zone. She's ready for anything.

Duane: I do like to talk about the issues. Speaking of issues, your husband seems to have some.
Claire: I'm sorry? I'm not sorry. What?
Duane: Oh, well, I wouldn't want to bring it up, but since you asked... Um, in February of last year, your husband, one, uh, Phillip Dunphy, was questioned at a local hotel for lewd and lascivious conduct.
Jay: Oh, jeez.
Claire: That's not true.
Duane: Ma'am, according to this police report, he, uh, broke into a stranger's room, stripped naked and then posed provocatively on the bed.
Claire: That is technically true. But in all fairness, it was Valentine's day.
Duane: Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry. It was Valentine's day. I'm not sure, uh, if your husband was born in this country. Ah. Perhaps he snuck in illegally, but here in America, we celebrate Valentine's day with chocolates, not our private parts.

Gloria: Jay! Manny! We should have been there already!
Jay: [o.s.] Gloria, I'm tying my tie!
Manny: I'm accessorizing!
Gloria: And I thought I was the woman.

Jay: What happened?
Manny: Are you okay?
Gloria: She did it again.
Jay: And you jumped in to save her?
Gloria: No, Jay! I wanted to take a little swim before going to the wedding!
Jay: Get her a towel she's shaking like a leaf.
[Manny grabs a towel, hands it to Jay, who uses it to dry Stella]
Jay: Oh, no, no, I meant- I meant-
Gloria: Thank you, Jay. The dog towel for me. For the wife.

Mitchell: Hey, what's shakin'?
Cameron: What's cooking?
Claire: You saw the debate, didn't you?
Cameron: The de-what?
Mitchell: No, that wasn't-
Cameron: Was that on today?
Mitchell: No, no. Oh, I didn't remember.
Claire: You are the worst liars.
Mitchell: It was phenomenal television.

Luke: She looks like a Lite-Brite.

Claire: Lily, sweetie, are you excited to be a flower girl? Yeah? Little bit nervous? Yeah? Why isn't she talking to me? Did she see the debate, too?
Mitchell: Nope, she's on verbal lockdown. She's been dropping a certain curse word all day. Yeah, so we're just hoping the next one doesn't happen during the wedding.
Phil: If it does, it'll be the second most embarrassing thing to happen to our family today.
Claire: Phil, you said it wasn't that bad.
Phil: That was in the car. We're in a church now.

Gloria: Oh, good. I thought that we were going to miss Lily.
Cameron: Ships at sea wouldn't miss Lily.

Claire: You know what the worst part of today was?
Alex: I imagine it's hard to choose.
Claire: When everything was melting down, I realized I had an answer to your question, why I was running. I wanted to make my family proud, and I did the exact opposite.
Alex: No.
Claire: No, I did. I totally embarrassed you.
Alex: No. No, dad embarrassed me. I was proud of you. I think it's cool you're running for local office. I mean, it's totally nerdy, and that's kind of my thing.
Claire: Hmm. Maybe it's kind of our thing.