Duane: I do like to talk about the issues. Speaking of issues, your husband seems to have some.
Claire: I'm sorry? I'm not sorry. What?
Duane: Oh, well, I wouldn't want to bring it up, but since you asked... Um, in February of last year, your husband, one, uh, Phillip Dunphy, was questioned at a local hotel for lewd and lascivious conduct.
Jay: Oh, jeez.
Claire: That's not true.
Duane: Ma'am, according to this police report, he, uh, broke into a stranger's room, stripped naked and then posed provocatively on the bed.
Claire: That is technically true. But in all fairness, it was Valentine's day.
Duane: Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry. It was Valentine's day. I'm not sure, uh, if your husband was born in this country. Ah. Perhaps he snuck in illegally, but here in America, we celebrate Valentine's day with chocolates, not our private parts.