Gloria: Hola, Javier, what are you doing in town?
Javier: Well, I missed Manny's birthday, plus I have a free week.
Jay: You're staying a week? [to Gloria] Make that go away.

Mitchell: Would you look at that?
Cameron: Oh, yeah, you know, I never saw us as trophy on the mantle people, but yours looked so gosh darned good up there, I figured, why not be proud of what we've done?
Mitchell: Uh, "First Place, Bass Catchers Spring Fish-Off, Missouri North Division."
Cameron: Two day total of 10 small bass weighing 34.24 pounds with a 4 1/2-pound kicker.
Mitchell: So you beat all the other boys aged 12 through 17?
Cameron: Uh-huh. Sure did. Look at our trophies up there. We're a couple of winners, aren't we?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Are we?

Claire: You must have used them all up.
Phil: They said "a lifetime supply."
Claire: Honey, you got 15 years of free razor blades. Put that in the "Win" column and move on.

Luke: Oh, hey, dad, some doctor called for you.
Phil: Dr. Sendroff?
Luke: Yeah, that's it. You were in the shower.
Phil: What did he say?
Luke: He wants you to call him right away. Oh, well. See you in hell, Klaus.

Phil: Oh, boy.
Claire: Honey, I am sure it's nothing.
Phil: Claire, I'm tender under my arm.
Claire: Maybe Luke hit you with his broomstick when you guys were playing Quidditch.
Phil: I'm way too fast, he never touched me.
Claire: I can assure you you are perfectly fine.
Phil: That's very comforting, coming from a marketing major at a party school.

Jay: I like the number 4 horse. He loves this track, his dad won the Preakness, last three finishes were in the money.
Manny: I like Miranda's Miracle.
Jay: Why?
Manny: There's this girl Miranda in my class, and she is really pretty. And if she likes me back, it will be a miracle.

Mitchell: Cam, did you do something to your fish trophy?
Cameron: Oh, yeah, I forgot about this fun middle part. You see, now it looks like a fish jumping out of the water.
Mitchell: Yeah, right over mine.
Cameron: Do I sense something, Mitch? You know, just because mine's a little taller than yours, doesn't make yours any less important.
Mitchell: Oh, no. That's not what I was feeling, not even a little bit.
Cameron: Oh, my god. You don't like that I put my trophy up.
Mitchell: I just think it's a little weird that immediately after I win a trophy, you feel the need to dig this thing up and plop it down next to mine.
Cameron: I'll have you know that I've wanted to display this for quite some time. But I put it in box in the garage with all my other awards. Yes, awards. Out of courtesy to a sadly award-less you.

Mitchell: Oh, you know what? I just remembered! Mine comes with a really fun pedestal, too! Oh! Look at that! Oh, and proper hierarchy is restored. Unless you suddenly remember that your fish came with a top hat.

Manny: $16 for the first race, $10 from the second race, plus $34- $60? You're a genius, dad.
Javier: Well, I cannot take all the credit. It is a particularly chatty group of horses today.
Manny: I love gambling! It's so easy!
Jay: It's not easy.
Javier: Well, not for you. You've lost, what, three in a row?
Manny: Oh, burn, Jay! I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. This is all so heady.

Jay: $50 on little bacon to win.
Javier: Ooh-ee.
Manny: Yeah, ooh-ee.
Jay: What? What ooh-ee?
Javier: There is something not right about that horse.
Manny: I think I saw it, too.
Jay: You didn't see anything. This horse is a heavy favorite. The rest of the pack couldn't beat a merry-go-round. I'm sticking with Little Bacon.
Manny: It's your funeral.