Javier: Listen. Listen to me. I am very sorry for what you are going through.
Claire: Thank you. Who is this?
Cameron: Who, indeed?
Javier: I am Javier Delgado, Manny's father and Gloria's former husband and lover. I hope you do not think this is insensitive, but you are a beautiful woman, and you will have no trouble to find a man-
Gloria: Javier! The body is not even cold yet!
Claire: The body is upstairs watching basketball.

Jay: Gloria said he was sick.
Claire: No. He went to the doctor, he had some tests. The doctor called. That's it.
Gloria: Plus today he run out of his lifetime supply of razors.
Manny: That's a sign.
Jay: This is a lot of hocus-pocus! I can't believe I bought a coffee cake over this!

Phil: What's what's going on?
Claire: Nothing. Nothing. Everybody just came by for absolutely no reason at all.
Phil: You look worried.
Claire: I'm not worried.
Phil: Oh, god. The plane's in trouble. You put away the drink cart and you're strapping in.

[flashback:]
Chip: So, Phil Dunphy, tell us a little bit about yourself.
Phil: Well, Chip, I'm married to a great lady- Hi, Claire! And I have a baby girl. Um, I'm a real estate agent, and I enjoy playing checkers.
Chip: Okay.
Phil: Both Chinese and American. And, uh, I am a fan of hip-hop.
Chip: Well, good for you.
Phil: Though I try to stay neutral in the whole east coast/west coast thang.
Chip: Next up we have a-
Phil: One quick thing. Shout out to my, uh, college buddy Ling, who built his own helicopter and is taking his first flight today. And, uh, I also wanna wish a happy anniversary to my in-laws Jay and Dede Pritchett. Your eternal love is an inspiration to us all.
Chip: Okay. That's enough. Next up, we have a homemaker from West Mifflin, Pennsylvania.

Javier: So, Manny, tomorrow, in honor of you becoming a man, I am taking you to the racetrack to enjoy the sport of kings, hmm?
Manny: That's so cool!
Jay: Actually, Manny and I have plans to play golf tomorrow.
Javier: Golfing? Pfft! That is for old men and for women who like women.

Manny: Who are we going with, Dad?
Javier: Nobody in this race, papito. It was quiet down there in the paddock just now. Too quiet.

Dr. Sendroff: So how's the family?
Phil: Great. Kids are getting so big. Haley's about to go off-
Dr. Sendroff: You can stop holding your stomach in.
Phil: to college.
Dr. Sendroff: You still exercising?
Phil: Clearly. I look at Clint Eastwood or Chuck Norris and I think, there's no reason I can't stay tough like- Oh, tickles!

Mitchell: Look at what they gave me.
Alex: "California State Bar Association Award For Distinguished Service in The Field of Environmental Law." Wow.
Cameron: You should have seen it. They called his name, he went up on stage, he gave a great speech. It was humble, inspirational, with a touch of dry humor at the end. It was very Colin Firth.
Mitchell: Oh, Cam, thank you, but it's hardly an Oscar.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: In the environmental law community, it kind of is an Oscar.

Cameron: So how was Lily? I hope you weren't too bored.
Alex: Oh, please, are you kidding me? I love talking to her. She knows more words than Haley.

Gloria: Who is that? It's 10:00 at night.
Manny: I'll get it.
Jay: Hold on, Gatsby.