Jay: Come here, kid.
Joe: I was literally about to gnaw my own arm off to get free.
Jay: With those things? I still have the tooth you lost in a marshmallow.
Mitchell: Okay, so, that one you kept?

Manny: Today was my second chance, but I couldn't even get up the nerve to say "hi." 11-year-old Manny would be disgusted by me.
Lily: Well, now you know how 12-year-old Lily feels.

Gloria: Well, looks like my first house sale is going to fall through.
Cameron: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. You know what? ut things will turn around. Do not turn around. Okay, that's Debra Knox. She stole my Educator of the Year Award.
Gloria: A swooper?!
Cameron: A swooper! Lily, grab your things.
Gloria: Oh, no, no, no, no. Not a smoke demon that terrorizes farm children.
Cameron: Oh.
Gloria: It's a person that takes things that are supposed to be yours. I have one of my own.

Jay: Last week, I left some dog beds here, so now the owners are probably getting swamped with requests.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: The other day, I found out that Joe saved up six months of allowance and donated it all to charity. It's one of those rare moments as a dad when you realize you've really dropped the ball. I mean, the kid needed to learn the basics of business.

Claire: Look, it drives me nuts, too, that Dad never cops to his mistakes, but it's always gonna be our word against his.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Claire: Why did you cut the necks out of all these sweatshirts?
Mitchell: Oh, I was a big "Flashdance" fan.
Claire: How you survived the golden age of bullying, I will never understand.

Mitchell: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. We are sitting on a treasure trove of evidence than could prove Dad cut our vacation short, okay? I mean, you realize that building cases against society's worst criminals is what I do.
Claire: How's that case against the deaf old lady who sells bacon-wrapped hot dogs outside Laker games going?
Mitchell: She was warned three times.

Phil: See, you should point this thing west and, uh, come meet your great-grandbabies.
Frank: Uh, this spring, I think. I want to pose them to re-create famous photos from history. I've got all the outfits, uh, to re-create the VJ-Day kiss, but I still need the fedora to pull off Jack Ruby and Lee Harvey Oswald.
Phil: Careful.
Frank: Well, obviously, the gun won't be loaded.
Phil: No, no, no. There's a pothole.

Frank: Oh, geez. I bet we blew a tire.
Phil: Fortunately, one local inventor has been hard at work on the Presto-Jack TM, a pneumatic device that both lifts a car and powers a drill to change lug nuts. I don't suppose...
Frank: Yep. In the trunk.
Phil: Yes! We can finally test it out!

Cameron: Hello, Debra.
Debra: Oh. Hi, Cam.
Cameron: You wish. I know you'll deny it, but these eyes... can see right through you.
Debra: You mean how I stole the Educator of the Year Award?
Cameron: Aha! I got you to admit it. It's a good thing I'm wearing a wire.
Debra: Let me see it.
Cameron: Damn it.
Debra: I'm gonna be the belle of the ball in this dress. Stealing this award has given me the confidence to crush everyone in my path.
[Gloria emerges from a dressing room wearing the same dress]
Gloria: Permiso.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I never even saw Gloria go into the dressing room, but there she was, like a superhero, able to destroy confidence in a single pose.

Phil: [aside to camera] My dad's positive attitude versus a couple bound for a "Dateline" episode? It wasn't even a fair fight.