Jay: Alright. Final lesson... always be willing to walk away. Hey, Ron. I'm coming to you first 'cause we're old friends.
Lon: It's Lon.
Jay: Yeah. Hey, listen. It's a steep price on this one, but don't blame me. I'm pocketing less than the kids that, you know, made this thing. "The Beagle Has Landed."
Lon: Sorry, Jay, none of these are selling.
Jay: Even the ones that look like hot cakes?

Joe: Maybe a puppy will cheer you up.
Jay: I told you, not gonna happen.
Joe: You're giving up?
Jay: I can't give these things away. Forget everything I taught you today. I don't know what I'm talking about.
Joe: Hey, mister, my dad was about to give you the deal of a lifetime... 100 dog beds for a hundred bucks, so you can give one away with each new dog.
Lon: A hundred bucks, huh?
Joe: I can see you're not serious. [to the dog] Slow down that tail, buddy. This is leaving with me.
Lon: [sighs] Wait, wait. Don't walk away. Would you do 50 bucks?
Joe: Will you throw in a puppy?

Jay: [aside to camera] I've had two late-in-life projects. One, dog beds, was a bust. The other... [Joe is sitting on the couch with his puppy] ...is looking pretty promising.

Claire: Look, we tried, right? I bought a pack of these the last night we were at that resort so I could try to look cool at some... concert that we went to. Hang on. Where was it? I... Oh-ho. Bingo. What do you see, huh?
Mitchell: Uh... um, me at the park in a hat with the name "Maddox" embroidered on it. Oh, oh, I forgot about my Maddox Pritchett phase.
Claire: God, it is a miracle that you didn't need a police escort to school every day. Not you, the marquee.
Mitchell: Uh, "Tonight and Wednesday Only... The Monkees."
Claire: Yes! And according to their website, they played the 14th and the 16th. So, if we went the first night, that means we would have left the 15th, and we would have left early.
Mitchell: Okay, wait just a second. I-I remember I was so upset that our vacation was being cut short that I cheered myself up by going to the premiere of "Flashdance," which was on... Ha! April 15th.
Claire: Yea... What is up with you and that movie?
Mitchell: She was so much more than a welder, and I was so much more than the president of Students Against TV on Weeknights.
Claire: Okay, I know you remember it this way, but how are we gonna prove it?
Mitchell: Bam! [Claire gasps] My ticket, clearly marked "Opening Night." I'm gonna say "bam" again. Bam!

Don: Hey, Frank. Afraid I was about to close up. Betsy's birthday.
Frank: Okay, we'll come back, Don.
Phil: Well, h-hang on. I'm... I'm pretty nifty with the shears. I used to... I used to cut Luke's hair, and I once trimmed a hedge in our yard into the spitting image of Doug Henning.
Frank: Sold.
Don: Just lock her up.
Phil: Thank you very much.

Phil: Hop on up there, young man.
Frank: If I'm not mistaken, you saw your first naked lady in this barbershop.
Phil: You know it.
Frank: [chuckles] Hell of a crossing guard, but when she went crazy, she didn't go halfway.
Phil: Well, that was her training.

Phil: So, Dad, um... just gonna get this over with. Uh...
Frank: Oh, boy. Is this gonna be about me going back to the grocery store?
Phil: Well, it... it just seemed a little weird. I heard you were there for hours.
Frank: The place was a mess. I mean, where is the pride? Old days, they used to deliver my oranges on Tuesdays. I could not have built a pyramid faster with 10,000 Hebrews.
Phil: So, you weren't just wandering?
Frank: It's just... I miss it, is all.

Joe: Look, they're getting along great.
Jay: That's not our worry. Your mother is. Eight years, she ignored Stella, gave her a complex. One time, I was clicking a pen. Stella threw up 'cause she thought high heels were coming.

Gloria: Hola! [dog barks] What is this?
Joe: He's the grownup.
Jay: Honey, we know how you feel about...
Gloria: It's the cutest thing I've seen in my whole life! [gasps] I love you! Oh, my God! I need a selfie with my best little boy! I'll be back!
Jay: It's not your fault. [clearly to Stella] It is not your fault.

Phil: You ready to launch?
Frank: Let's do it.
Phil: Steady as she goes, and she's up! It's working! You did it! It's... Why is it still going?
Frank: How hard did you press start?
Phil: Well, that shouldn't matter!
Frank: Well, just press "end task."
Phil: Okay.
Frank: But only on the right side of the button.
Phil: Why wouldn't you tell me that first?! [car bounces off and flips over] Sweet maker!
Frank: Hmm. Everybody warned me this would happen.