Phil: The miracle of metamorphosis. They say the only constant is change. Well, all of that is about to ch-- Be different. Note the simple burlap sack, the kind you'd find in any home. If you'd be so kind as to assist me, The- The- The Kid, I'll endeavor to prove that some change is glacial, while some change is instantaneous. Now, if you'd be so kind as to raise the simple burlap sack above my head and pinch my wrists. You'll note, the clock says exactly 4:02.
Female magician: I have 3:15.
Ducky: Yeah, I have 6:35. Kaiser Mayhem!
Kaiser Mayhem: It's what I do.
Phil: Wait, it's 5:20? I actually have to call my wife.
Ducky: Uh, no, Phil, you can't just stop in the middle of a trick. That's a cardinal rule.
Phil: Guys, it's an emergency. Don't tell me you've never had to call your spouse. [silence] Oh. There's people for you.

Claire: Yes! Yes! I did it! I did it! I did it! I won back my money. Oh, suck it, the house.
Gloria: Claire, the key.
Claire: Yeah, okay, here you go. And, hey, buy yourself something sparkly. [slaps Gloria's buttock]

Jay: Gloria, there's a floor above us.
Gloria: What?!
Jay: I know. It threw me, too. Excelsior Plus. But to the people on that floor, we're Excelsior Minus.
Gloria: Mm, what is up there?
Jay: You need a black card to get in. All we've got is this stupid silver one.
Gloria: Oh, I thought it was platinum.
Jay: It's crap.
Gloria: Uh, why- Why don't you call your friend Burt and tell him that we need the black card?
Jay: Because he's not my friend. I never really even met him. I think I heard him cough one time on a conference call. I don't know why he would treat me this way.

Gloria: Excuse me, how much is that doggy in the window?

Claire: [aside to camera] I had finally taken back from Vegas what Vegas took from me. That's a feeling of satisfaction I can't describe. Because it didn't last very long.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] The minute I got rid of her, I couldn't lose. Oh, gambling's fun. And easy.

Mitchell: Yeah. You know, I'm really glad that you came over here.
Langham: Really? Why is that?
Mitchell: Well, I always hated the way that things ended between us, you know? Maybe now we can go out on a better note.
Langham: That's nice.
Mitchell: Yeah. 623. Oh! Oh, my God! that's my room number.
Langham: Huh.
Mitchell: Um, hit me. Seven. Seven! That's 21, huh? Yes! Yeah! Ah!
Langham: Whoa, check you out.
Mitchell: I guess tonight's my night to get lucky.
Langham: I would say.

Mitchell: Oh, you $120, $140, Higgins, for nothing- Nothing! I want to do something crazy. Okay, I'm gonna order a bath.
Higgins: Sir, it seems to me like you've gone mad.
Mitchell: Okay, this is what I want. I want something romantic, but also a little dangerous.
Higgins: Romantic, dangerous. Might I suggest, sir, the techno bath? Your heart will throb with the bass while your eyes take in an off-the-scale laser light show from that most intimate of V.I.P. arenas, your own tub.
Mitchell: Okay. I want that. That's what I want.
Higgins: Me thinks the Little Red Riding Hood may be a big, bad wolf.

Gloria: I have a great idea! Cigars! A man like Burt appreciates a good cigar.
Jay: Good thinking! Of course, upstairs, the butler would be here already. I'm telling you, we might as well be sleeping in the basement.

Jay: Higgins, you got a minute?
Higgins: 60 an hour. They all belong to you, sir.
Jay: I need a couple of primo cigars, A.S.A.P. I'm not a stickler for how they got in the country. I'm also expecting a special scotch delivery. I need a shave. Burt can't see me like this.
Higgins: Unfortunately, the shaving butlers are all-
Jay: I know, Excelsior Plus.