Claire: Um, can I just say, I am so comfortable with your sexuality.
Alex: Can I just say that your comfort with my sexuality has made me more comfortable with my sexuality.
Gloria: Can I just say that if I had my gun in my purse, I would shoot myself.

Claire: What brings you to the floor?
Haley: Well...it seems I've gone and gotten myself... promoted.
Claire: Haley, that's fantastic!
Haley: Yeah. Yeah, I, uh... I get my own parking spot and an "IRA." I guess that's my assistant's name or something?

Cameron: Men, this is the biggest moment of your life and I don't know how to fire you up! My original plan was to come in here, single out the under-performers and throw diapers at them! Now I realize that could beinterpreted as insensitive or, perhaps, anti-baby! I'm sorry, but the football field was always my safe space, okay?! It's where, in high school, I first gained the respect of my peers, and if I'm being honest, where I'd hoped I'd finally gain the admiration of my father-in-law. Now I feel like I've just... [voice breaking] let you all down.
Jay: You want to know how I feel? Hurt that Coach Tucker doesn't know how much we appreciate him. Triggered because he's got to apologize for a few words after all he's done to prove himself as a man and a coach. I've admired you for a long time and if I haven't let you know that, that's on me. And I'm "cissy-gendered" enough to admit it. And from now on, I'm gonna make sure that Coach Tucker knows he's a person of value I admire and respect.

Jay: That's right, guys, high knees, high knees. Commie to your left! Commie to your right! Stop dragging, Pitkowski, they're coming after your sweetheart! You know what they did to Poland!
Principal Brown: Well, I want to stop this, but there's nothing in the guidelines about Communists.
Jay: Now, we're high like a hippie! We're bending over like a...
Cameron: Okay! Shut it down, Jay!
Jay: All right, boys, hydrate like I taught you. Attaboy. There you go. [boys coughing]

Manny: We're here to teach these gentlemen how to communicate in the 21st century. Let's go around and each say the gender pronoun we prefer. I'll start... I'm cisgender, he-slash-him.
Friend #1: She-slash-her.
Friend #2: They-slash-them.
Friend #3: Oh, I'm not here to bust chops, Bob is fine.
Jay: This is your rugby team?

Cameron: Okay, this is the biggest day of your lives and you're looking like a bunch of little girls out there! What's wrong, Pitkowski, did you forget your Barbies?!
Pitkowski: Coach, we've been talking, and the language you've been using lately feels, well, hurtful. And sexist.
Thompson: And a little gender reductive.
Jay: What the hell is happening?
Pitkowski: We'd just like you to consider adopting a more empowering style.
Cameron: Okay, you know what? This is football! What's wrong, are your training bras too tight?!

Alex: Ooh! Do you think I could rock this? Do people still say rock?
Gloria: It makes me sad when you have to ask me what young people say.

Claire: So, what did you buy?
Alex: Oh, no, no, no. It's... It's not mine. It's hers. Could you hold it for a minute? My arms are tired! [scoffs] This one, the Queen of Sheba. We all work for her. [laughter] We have fun.

Phil: Mmm! Burger's amazing. This place is great. These small town gays have it made.
Mitchell: Yeah, I mean, they're forced to live in the shadows, but they do get to eat fries, so...

Phil: Oh, my God! Is that Gil Thorpe?
Mitchell: We don't all know each other, Phil.
Phil: With the beard.
Mitchell: There are no women in here.