Phil: Right there, he's my nemesis. What could he possibly be doing here?
Mitchell: Hmm, I might have a theory.
Phil: Oh, my God! He's pretending to be gay.
Mitchell: No.
Phil: What is your game, Gil?

Haley: Uh, Nicole, can I have a minute?
Nicole: Of course.
Haley: Uh... Look, a situation has come up and it's pretty confusing. I'm still trying to process it, but I...
Nicole: Preggo?
Haley: What?!
Nicole: Oh, God, I knew it!
Haley: What?!
Nicole: I mean, Prego, you know, however you pronounce that pretentious Italian fashion website.
Haley: Oh.
Nicole: Someone told me that they're trying to poach one of my employees, and I am not having it.

Nicole: So, what do you need?
Haley: I, uh, well...
Nicole: Title bump, money bump? You are getting a promotion. You are gonna be the new Head of Activewear and Zeitgeist.
Haley: Oh, my God, this is my dream job. [laughs] I told my guidance counselor that I wanted to do this and she laughed in my face.
Nicole: All right, everyone. Come in, we're celebrating! And bring a knife so we can cut this into pieces!

Claire: I am fascinated by this mall story of yours... So, you say you were shopping?
Gloria: Yes. [laughs] You know me and shoes.
Claire: Oh! Well, let's take a look, why don't we? [gasps] Ooh! I had no idea your foot was so tiny.
Gloria: Yes, I am so big in the top and small in the bottom, like South America herself.

Alex: Okay, I can't watch this anymore! Mom, please don't take this personally, but I was shopping with Gloria today because I wanted to find something sexy for my weekend away with Bill, and that's more her thing.
Claire: I get it, fine. I don't always dress like a... steering wheel cover.
Gloria: You're lashing out. I understand.

Mitchell: But doesn't it feel great to... to finally own who you really are?
Gil Thorpe: Yeah, it does.
Phil: I remember admitting to my dad I was into magic.
Gil Thorpe: It's not the same, Dunphy. [chuckles] It's just not...

Vic: Wow, hi. It's my lucky day.
Phil: Thank you for that. But I'm afraid I'm taken.
Vic: That's too bad. Why is it so hard for me to meet someone?
Phil: I, um... I have the perfect guy for you. He has got a great sense of humor, big heart.
Vic: I have a thing for red heads.
Phil: He's with me. Uh, the other one.
Vic: Him? Pass. He's been lurking around here for weeks. Like I'm impressed he's "Southern California's number one Realtor."
Phil: No, he's not!

Mitchell: Phil, I can't leave him this way.
Phil: What?! He's a monster! And not one of the cool ones created by Industrial Light and Magic!

Mitchell: This is a lot to take in, but I think that there's a really good guy in there and... and he needs me. I'm sorry, you go, have fun.
Phil: You're... You're picking him over me?!
Mitchell: No. I just need to make sure he's okay. Look, I-I'll try and get there if I can.
Phil: Do, or do not. There is no try.
Mitchell: Please don't Yoda me.

Alex: I don't know about this.
Claire: Come on, honey, I picked it out. I'm not gonna judge you. I swear.
Gloria: [gasps] You look beautiful.
Claire: I love it.
Alex: Really? It's not too much?
Claire: Let the prudes leave something to the imagination. Bill's gonna be all, "Let me get a piece of that," huh? [laughs]
Gloria: Uch.