Haley: How am I gonna tell my mom? This is the one thing she always told me not to do, and you're the person she told me not to do it with.
Dylan: Yeah, she really nailed that one. I hope our baby gets her brain.

Haley: Why aren't you freaking out?
Dylan: Because this is a good thing, isn't it?
Haley: I... I don't know. Ugh. [sighs] Oh, my God, I have to get to work. To a job that I love, which I don't even know if I can do with a baby! [chuckles ]Just... I, um... I need some space. Oh. $13, carry the three. Leave a $50.

Phil: [aside to camera] I got tickets for me and Mitchell to a screening in Palm Springs of The Empire Strikes Back. Q&A to follow with the biggest star of all, George Lucas. I'm super stoked because I kind of think of Mitch as the brother I never had. I don't know why we don't spend more time alone together. It's nobody's fault. Except for... for Cam and Claire.

Alex: [aside to camera] I needed some sexy clothes, so I asked Gloria to help me shop. No offense to my mom, but she dresses kind of conservative while Gloria knows how to pick out clothes that will help... take this baby for a spin. Ugh, Alex, come on, sell it if you're gonna talk like that.

Haley: Oh, is Nicole coming in soon?
Madison: Her sound bath ran late. Is there a special occasion? Why the party sub?
Haley: Uh, this is a normal sandwich.
Nicole: Hello, Haley.
Haley: Hi.
Nicole: Why the enormous sandwich?
Haley: This is an ordinary... doesn't matter.

Principal Brown: Coach Tucker, I don't know why this man is here, but he's a member of the "elderly protected class," and legally we can't contradict him. I'm sorry, you're gonna have to find a gentler way to motivate your players.
Cameron: I don't know any other way to coach.
Jay: What we need is advice from someone who played football but also is a namby-pamby Millennial weirdo.
[cut to:]
Manny: Thank you for coming.

Gil Thorpe: Dunphy?
Phil: Hey, Gil.
Gil Thorpe: Oh, I was just making a pitstop on the way to the Bunny Ranch. I accidentally walked in here 'cause some local said they had great wings. Didn't realize there were no breasts! Am I right?!

Mitchell: Oh, hey. You don't have to do this. I'm... I'm Mitch, I'm Phil's brother-in-law, and it's okay that you're gay.
Gil Thorpe: Whoa! What? Hold on a second now. That's crazy! You're gay!
Mitchell: Yes, I know. It's not the insult you think it is.
Phil: Charming as ever. Off you go. Best of luck.
Mitchell: I got this, okay? It's gonna take him some time to... to accept who he really is.
Gil Thorpe: I'm totally gay.
Mitchell: Wow, you're off to a strong start.

Gil Thorpe: God, I have so many questions for you, though.
Mitchell: Hey, hey, first time I walked into this bar, I did, too.
Gil Thorpe: Fire away. Okay. [stammering] I'm just not comfortable opening up in front of the breeder here, okay?
Phil: You have more kids than I do!
Gil Thorpe: That's homophobic, man!

Mitchell: Twenty years ago, I was in this bar, feeling just like you do. And this really nice guy came up to talk to me. I-I think he could see how lost and alone I was. And, I don't know, it felt like my whole world opened up that day. [chuckles]
Gil Thorpe: Wow, that's a touching story. So when are we gonna start touching?
Mitchell: I'm sorry, what?
Gil Thorpe: I say we head out to the parking lot, get a little crazy in my ex-wife's minivan, huh?
Mitchell: No! No, gross!
Gil Thorpe: Fine, Prince Harry. I'll pop for a hotel room. But that means we're doing everything.
Mitchell: Okay. Y-You're awful! Well, at least I'm not a tease. What a waste of an afternoon. [to another guy] Hey, I'm Gil. Just came out. Feeling kind of lost and alone.