Jay: [to Phil] There's water underneath the seat there if you want it. Those guys at the loading dock really gave me the business when they found out I was hauling a princess castle. [laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Something was bugging him. He needed to talk. It's like I don't want to be happy.

Jay: You have to sometimes. That's the way marriages work. All this "happy wife, happy life" sort of stuff.
Phil: Tell you what would make me happy. This bad boy right here. It's still in my shopping cart 'cause I just can't say good-bye.
Jay: Who doesn't want a happy life? But soon you're saying "Yes, dear" and "Whatever you need, dear" without even thinking about it.
Phil: Antiglare plexi, reinforced podium.
Jay: If you don't stand up every once in a while, you lose all your power.
Phil: It's even got a wrist pad for your knob hand.
Jay: Before you know it, you're picking up a pink princess castle for your pedicured two-year-old saying good-bye to your last chance to have one red-blooded man in the family. And you're getting that damn game, Phil!

Phil: What in the name of Pac-Man creator Toru lwatani have you done?
Jay: You deserve it. You work hard. You provide for your family. No regrets.
Phil: You know what? I don't regret it.
Jay: Course you don't.
Phil: I'm the owner of a Ms. Pac-Man! [laughs]

Jay: Okay, dummy. We get this thing in the backyard, we nail it together and Gloria will never find out.
Phil: Don't do this, Jay. As your best friend, I implore you. If we rebuild this castle, we tear down everything we built today.
Jay: What? And what?
Phil: We stood up for ourselves. There's no turning back. We're going to tell Claire and Gloria what we did.
Jay: I'm scared, Phil, okay?
Phil: They count on that fear. They feed off it. No more.

Claire: Someone's looking sexy and sweaty.
Phil: That's right. And this sexy, sweaty someone is now the proud owner of a vintage Ms. Pac-Man game.
Claire: Oh, it came? They promised they weren't gonna deliver it until tomorrow. I wanted to be there to see your face. It was killing me this morning when you said you wanted to get your own. Do ya love it?
Phil: I love- I love you.

Gloria: What happened to the castle?
Jay: Little snafu. About this princess castle-
Claire: What's that?
Gloria: Black paint and a skull flag so we can turn this princess thing into a pirate castle.
Jay: Pirate castle?
Gloria: Ay, yes. He's a boy. We have talked about this. Why do men never listen? It's always, "Sure, honey. Sure, honey."
Claire: I don't know. Marriage is hard.

Mitchell: Lily, did you spill purple paint on the floor?
Lily: Yeah, I'm the problem today.

Joe: Ball!
Mitchell: Oh, no, that's not a ball.
Cameron: No, no, no. That's a criminally expensive Santangelo bowl.
Mitchell: I'm gonna sneak around behind him, and you're just gonna keep him talking.
Cameron: Joe, you don't want to do this. You know, as of right now, you haven't done anything wrong. You just hand that over to me, and it's like nothing ever happened, see?
Mitchell: Okay, he's not Baby Face Nelson. He's an actual baby.
Cameron: You want to help out? Slide something underneath it, like the throw pillow.
Joe: Throw!

Mitchell: Ah! You forget what a handful kids are when they're little, huh?
Cameron: I didn't realize how easy we have it now that Lily's so independent.
Mitchell: Plus we're not as young as we were when she was like this.
Cameron: Mitchell, are we almost discussing what I think we're almost discussing?
Mitchell: Maybe we shouldn't rush into having another kid?
Cameron: It's a big decision, and I love the way our lives are now.
Mitchell: Oh, God, me too! Oh. Th-Th-This doesn't make us selfish people, does it?
Cameron: Of course not.
Lily: Baby Joe's stuck in the well.
Mitchell: Leave him.
Cameron: He's fine.

Haley: What are you doing here?
Gloria: I can't believe I have to beg you to go shopping. I had to make sure that you're putting that thing in the right place since this stupid, horrible job is so important to you. Ay, Haley, I have to say today I lost a little bit of respect for you.
Haley: Good-bye, Gloria.
Gloria: You need to learn how to stand up for yourself.
Haley: Do you know how easy that is for you to say?
Gloria: No, no. Nothing in English is easy for me to say.