Haley: Unlike you, I don't have a rich husband. What I do have is a reputation for being a screw-up who never follows through on anything. Which is why, in case you haven't noticed I'm in my third year of a two-year college program and still living in my parents' basement. I know that this job sucks, but it might actually lead to something. Do you know who had this job five years ago? Gavin. And he worked for an even bigger jackass than he is.

Luke: The Bonerface! You win that award, everyone calls you "Bonerface."
Alex: It's the super-nerd award.
Luke: My underwear got pulled over my head by a girl. It always goes to Scott Wheeler but someone pushed his car into a handicapped spot so I'd get the award. And I think I know exactly who did it.
Claire: Well-
Luke: Manny! You framed Scott Wheeler so I'd win the Bonerface.
Claire: It adds up.
Manny: First, lower your voice. We're not stevedores. Second, you're wrong. Third, it serves you right after you hit on Sarah Fink.

Phil: Awning is done.
Jay: Supposed to be a drawbridge. Weren't the chains a clue?
Phil: Lot of criticism from a guy who just sawed half his shoe off.

Alex: No one wins anything without help from family and friends who steer you away from bad ideas and toward good ones. Because every time anyone accomplishes anything, he or she achieves it with the help of a thousand silent heroes. The selfless team players who offer their support, not to be recognized but because it's the right thing to do. Awards aren't usually given out for being a good person but today they are. Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the Marlon Boniface Integrity Award is... [laughs] This is awesome Luke Dunphy.
Luke: [o.s.] No!

Alex: Call me the periodic table 'cause I got all the metals. Yeah!