Cameron: He is so adorable.
Mitchell: I know, isn't he? Remember when Lily was like this?
Lily: What do you say when I'm not here?

Cameron: Okay, do you have any queens?
Lily: Yeah, two big ones.
Cameron: Okay, you know what? It was funny the first time. Now it's just getting mean.

Jay: Oh, what the hell?
Gloria: Isn't it cute? Last night when I went to do my nails the girls did it just for fun.
Jay: What's fun about a lifetime of gender confusion?
Gloria: It's the same as when you took him to the Dodgers game and brought him back with that Dodgers cap.
Jay: You think? Or is it different in every conceivable respect?

Claire: What's going on with you?
Luke: I have a throbbing headache. It's making it hard to-
Claire: Pretend that you're sick? Yeah, you just ate a bushel of cereal.

Alex: Check the structural integrity of the trophy case, bitches 'cause Mama's bringing home some hardware!
[aside to camera:]
Claire: Awards day at school the one day of the year Alex has some real swagger. Ironically, the one thing she's not good at.
[back:]
Alex: When I say "trophy," you say "trophy"! Trophy! Trophy! Can I get a wha-what?
Claire: What?
Alex: Bam! [glasses clatter] Bam! Bam!

[Mitchell and Cameron, aside to camera:]
Cameron: Mitchell and I have always discussed trying to buy the place in the event something happened to Stan. We could use the extra space for a guest room or an office or maybe even-
[just Cameron:]
Cameron: A nursery. I think I may want another child. But I don't want to bring it up to Mitchell and put pressure on him because he's been so adamant about not wanting one. The last thing he's thinking about is a-
[just Mitchell:]
Mitchell: Nursery. Lately, I've been having stirrings but because it was such an emotional roller coaster in the past I don't want to bring it up unless I have some sort of indication
[Cameron:]
Cameron: That we're both on the same page. That's why when Gloria asked if we'd watch Joe, I said, "Sure." It'd be a chance to remind Mitchell how nice it is to have a baby.

Principal Brown: You know, I love your family.
Claire: Aw.
Principal Brown: I mean, Haley, our homecoming queen. And now Alex winning just about every academic award.
Claire: I know.
Principal Brown: It's been an honor to teach the Dunphy children.
Claire: Well, today I'm here to talk about Luke.
Principal Brown: Is that the science rabbit?

Claire: That's sort of the point. I think he's feeling a little bit overlooked. I was wondering if you could just, you know toss him one of those awards today. Just [clicks tongue].
Principal Brown: Well, I'm afraid all of the award winners have already been decided. Yeah. But, hey, if it makes him feel better he was in the running for the integrity award. He just got edged out by-
Claire: Scott Wheeler? That little weasel's a narc. Halloween carnival, 2008, [mockingly] "Mrs. Dunphy's grape juice smells like medicine." It was a long morning.

Claire: Maybe there's some sort of, um I don't know, like, a a donation or something I could give to the auto shop to help 'em grease the wheels.
Principal Brown: We're good on grease.
Claire: But you can never have too much brake fluid. Or perhaps the soccer team could use some new cleats help them get their kick back.
Principal Brown: Kick back? Okay, Mrs. Dunphy, I'm really doing everything I can to ignore the fact that you're trying to bribe me for the Marlon Boniface Integrity Award.
Claire: Oh! I'm so glad you can remember that name but you can't remember Luke.

Gavin Saint Clair: Oh, I don't care if you are here illegally you're gorgeous.
Gloria: Listen, mister, for your information, I am-
Haley: Flower. He's talking about the flower.