Cameron: Snubbed at this wedding, not invited to two others. What could you have possibly done?

Mitchell: Well, how about this ghoulish profession that no one seems to have a problem with except for you?
Cameron: Look, I'm sorry, but you've always been a little cynical, and I was worried you seeing all these marriages collapse would push you further in that direction.
Mitchell: No, no, it's the opposite. Being around all these unhappy couples makes me even more grateful for what we have.
Cameron: Aww. That's so sweet. Are- [sniffles] Are you sure that's not the cash bar talking?
Mitchell: Of course not. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Cameron: Aww. [voice breaking] And you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Mitchell: Oh, Cam.
Cameron: [sniffles, crying] Maybe this is why nobody wants us around is because we cause an emotional scene everywhere we go.

Phil: Yep. That refrigerates stuff. All of them do. But you know the saying: All good open houses must come to an end by 2:00 on the dot.

Phil: I have an idea. Why don't we greet your mom with the smell of fresh-baked cupcakes? The ingredients are in here. Will, grab a whisk. I'll be back before you two are frosting.

Will: The cupcakes burned.
Phil: Oh. Well, it still smells homey. And it gives Mom a chance to see how well this state-of-the-art smoke alarm works! Come with me, Mom! Let me show you around the rest of this dream house! [later] You see, even ironing is a delight here, where you can feel a cool breeze wafting in from the open sliders. Mother nature! [later] Huzzah! Your own gift-wrapping room, just like the rich and famous. Sheila, finger. Go right ahead. There we go.

Phil: Sorry I'm late, guys, but fear not. One birthday present.
Alex: Wrapped in baby-shower paper.
Phil: One crisply pressed dress.
Haley: With one big pleat it didn't used to have.
Phil: Oh.
Alex: At least we know why you were late. Looks like you rescued those cupcakes from a burning bakery.
Haley: Don't worry. Mom made those on the off chance what everyone knew was gonna happen happened. She also bought me that new dress.
Alex: Oh, and I hope you kept the receipt, because Mom bought a backup.

Claire: You churned ice cream?
Ben: Yeah. Did the kids like it?
Claire: They loved it.
Ben: Great.
Claire: But they know I can't make ice cream. I bought that churn out of a SkyMall catalog after three Bloody Marys. It's been sitting under a tarp in my garage for six years. You've got to dial it way back.
Ben: Where is this fear and anger coming from?
Claire: You're gonna get us caught! [closes blinds]
Ben: You knew the risks when we started this.
Claire: I'm just saying we're getting a little bit sloppy. All the impossible errands, the fancy sandwiches. Just slap a little tuna on whole wheat for the next couple of days. Just until things cool off. [sighs] All right?
Ben: I was just trying to make you happy. You're not gonna stop me, are you?
Claire: Coffee cart's only in the lobby until 4:00.

Manny: What are we gonna do? Mom's gonna be home any minute. "Hola, papi. Have you seen my computer?" "Oh, sure, Mom. It's over there, where that naked girl's entertaining her school's basketball team."

Luke: I'm face-timing Alex. She'll know what to do.
Alex: [on FaceTime] What's up, Luke?
Luke: Computer glitch. The screen's frozen.
Alex: Let me see.
Luke: I'd rather not.
Alex: So porn.

Alex: [on FaceTime, to Joe in the backseat] Oh, hey there, cutie pie.
Manny: Thank you, Alex, but could you please hurry and call us back?
Alex: I was talk- [call disconnects]
Manny: She knows I'm forbidden fruit. I'm sure that's half the appeal.