‘I Don't Know How She Does It’
Season 7, Episode 15 - Aired March 2, 2016
Phil is frustrated as he struggles to keep up with "super mom" Claire who is seemingly on top of everything at home and in the workplace. A sleep-deprived Jay and Gloria struggle to keep things together as Joe goes through a fussy phase. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron wonder why they're being snubbed when they attend their friends' wedding.
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: Mitchell, stop it.
Mitchell: Hmm? What? Huh? Hmm?
Cameron: Eavesdropping? Trolling for business? You've been doing it ever since you started handling gay divorce. It's kind of ghoulish.
Mitchell: Ghoulish?
Cameron: Yes. I'll bet that's why nobody wants us around. That's it. You're like the Angel of Death of gay marriage. You're like a cat at an old-folks' home who curls up next to somebody about to die.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: They're judging me? Felix and Jordan sell fur.
Matt: Sorry. We couldn't help overhearing you overhearing us.
Alan: Some friends of ours are breaking up, and they need a good divorce lawyer. Do you have a card?
Longinus: Oh. We couldn't help overhearing you talking about you overhearing you overhearing you.
Jotham: Are you really doing gay divorces now? We had no idea.
Cliff: I was just overhearing you guys overhearing-
Cameron: Good Lord, it's like a game of princess telephone.
Quote from Ronaldo
Pepper: Are you gonna finish this? They didn't budget a staff meal.
Ronaldo: It's our own fault we're poor. When we had money, we spent it all on drunken sailors.
Cameron: You mean "like drunken sailors"?
Ronaldo: Sure.
Quote from Pepper
Mitchell: Pepper, before you run off again, why is almost everyone here treating us like pariahs?
Pepper: Well, you didn't help yourselves by the cold way you declined those last two wedding invitations.
Cameron: We didn't get those invitations.
Pepper: I got the RSVPs myself to Adam and Michael and Felix and Jordan. Just a big "X" in the "will not attend" box. No excuse, no gift. Of course you put people off. It's just not classy. [silverware clatters, spits] How old are these pudding cups?!
Ronaldo: Come, carino. There's a vending machine in the lobby.
Pepper: If I lie down next to it, will you push it over on me?
Quote from Phil
Haley: Yes, Gavin, I got everything you asked for, and I'm on my way. All these errands I have to do for my boss. I swear, if it wasn't for me, he'd never get anything.
Phil: Haley, please. I'm trying to figure out how your mom's getting all these things done by herself.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: When Haley finally gave me a chance to hear myself think, it hit me. Could Claire be using an assistant? I decided to retrace every errand she allegedly ran today and time it out. She was in meetings from 9:00 A.M. to 1:30, leaving her a 90-minute window to buy Haley's dress, see Stan at Best Buy for Alex's present, then speed home, where she could start baking the cupcakes, drag the churn in from the garage, churn, wrap, and frost, leaving her a scant eight minutes at school pick-up time to race back for her 3:00 staff meeting. Even if all 14 traffic lights on her route were green, this task would be... Impossible! I don't know who made that ice cream, but Daddy was about to churn up a frosty bowl of "Mom's a big fake."
Quote from Phil
[aside to camera:]
Phil: My super-awesome family was throwing me a surprise early birthday party.
[flashback:]
Phil: I'm guess I'm the only one at home.
Haley: How could you do this?!
Alex: Dad!
Luke: You were supposed to be my hero! You let me down!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Or I forgot to meet the electrician today to fix our faulty junction box.
Quote from Luke
Phil: Guys, I'm not gonna make excuses. I've been really busy at work.
Haley: Well, I was halfway through straightening my hair.
Alex: And I was in the middle of doing three weeks' worth of laundry.
Luke: And I was actually writing a term paper right when the lights went out, and... [lights come on] What? This isn't soda.
Quote from Luke
Luke: Calm down. We only cut two classes, and I'll send an excuse e-mail from your mom's computer.
Manny: I can't believe I agreed to ditch with you just 'cause you gave me half your Brie sandwich. Although that party-crashing apple slice turned out to be a welcome plus-one.
Luke: So we can make it official now. I have three gay uncles.
Quote from Manny
Luke: "Family emergency. Blah, blah, blah. Gloria Pritchett." And send.
Manny: I hate that I have to ask this, but you didn't type "Blah, blah, blah," did you?
Quote from Luke
Luke: You need to chill like my girlfriend here. [woman moaning on laptop]
Manny: Nah, I can't enjoy that. I just keep thinking about that girl's father. Could you please just get that off my mom's computer?
Luke: Okay. That was your reward for ditching, but if you don't want to... [computer beeps] Uh-oh.
Manny: What "uh-oh"?
Luke: Uh, it's frozen. What?!
Manny: Oh, my God. It froze on that?
Luke: Hey. "That" has a name.