‘Hit and Run’
Season 3, Episode 5 - Aired October 12, 2011
When Claire decides to run for town council, Phil takes on more parenting duties with disastrous results. Mitch and Cameron disagree over what to do following a minor hit-and-run incident. Meanwhile, Jay struggles to bring the "wow factor" when he pitches his closets to a young property developer.
Quote from Phil
Luke: Dad, I cut my arm.
Phil: Oh, wow. You sure did, buddy. I'll get you fixed up.
Luke: Where's mom?
Phil: She belongs to the people now.
Quote from Luke
Alex: My allergies are acting up again.
Phil: Well, it is your lucky day, because, missy, Dr. Dad has everything you need. Behold the healing powers of grape flavoring.
Alex: Where's mom?
Luke: Some people took her.
Quote from Alex
Jay: Hey, guys.
Haley: Hey, grandpa.
Alex: [slurred] Hey, Jay.
Jay: What's with her?
Phil: Just tired. Growth spurt.
Quote from Jay
Mitchell: All right. Okay, the reason we're fighting is 'cause this one thinks he's dirty Harry.
Jay: Having a hard time picturing Clint Eastwood in that shirt.
Quote from Gloria
Mitchell: Okay, so which one of us did the right thing?
Jay: Hit and run. Gotta chase him down.
Gloria: I chase the people all the time.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: No. No. That's- That's irresponsible and dangerous. Okay, well, what if he had been armed?
Cameron: He wasn't armed. He had a Hillary bumper sticker.
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: This isn't an isolated incident. This morning he flipped out at somebody at The Muppet movie.
Lily: You saw The Muppet movie without me?
Cameron: Oh, no.
Mitchell: No, honey. Just the first two numbers.
Quote from Phil
Claire: What happened to your face?
Luke: Oh. I ran into a door.
Phil: Yeah.
Claire: What happened to your face?
Luke: Dad hit me.
Phil: It was an accident. I was trying to open up a band-aid!
Quote from Phil
Claire: What's wrong with her?
Phil: Growth spurt.
Claire: What's wrong with her?
Phil: I drugged her.
Claire: Phil!
Phil: I accidentally gave her the nighttime allergy medicine.
Quote from Mitchell
Haley: It's not a crime ring. I just gotta get my hands on that $900.
Manny: I know how the mafia would handle this. [imitates knife sound]
Jay: The kid is right. I'm sick of these smart-ass punks who keep changing the rules and think they can get away with anything they want. I'm gonna pay this guy a visit. Haley, text me his address.
Phil: I'm going with you.
Cameron: Me, too.
Mitchell: Oh, no. No. Nobody's going anywhere. Okay, we're not vigilantes.
Cameron: Shotgun!
Mitchell: No! No weapons!