Haley: Mom! Dad!
Phil: Ignore her. That could be anyone.
Haley: Phil and Claire Dunphy?

Claire: Oh, God. That feels weird and good all at once.
Phil: I know. I was leaning up against that nozzle a minute ago.

Cameron: If it means anything, we've been relaxing here doing nothing. Maybe you can join us tomorrow.
Mitchell: No, I can't- I just don't- I don't find relaxing that relaxing.
Cameron: I understand. You are who you are. Leilani.
Mitchell: You know what? I think it's because of my parents.
Cameron: It always is. Kipu!
Mitchell: I mean, vacation with my mom and dad was them sitting around like statues when, you know, the only thing that me and Claire could do for excitement was- Oh. Was sit around and listen to my skin sizzle.
Cameron: You poor thing. Sue?
Mitchell: So, that's, like- That's why, when I'm on vacation, I want to go out and meet the locals. I want to immerse myself in the culture, you know? I don't want to sloth around- Ah! Sweet Lady Gaga, that is good. Oh, thank you. Mmm. What's this called?
Cameron: Happiness.

Gloria: So sorry I'm late. Where is Jay?
Phil: He's not with you?
Gloria: No, he came down long time ago.
Phil: Oh, don't worry. I'll go have a look around.
Gloria: Yeah, he's probably in the ocean trying to pull a tugboat with his teeth.

Claire: Well, look who decided to join us. And where is your sister?
Alex: She is in our bathroom throwing up.
Claire: Well, what happened?
Alex: You're not going to like this as much as I do, but she's drunk.

Claire: Oh, my God.
Haley: I'm so sorry.
Claire: Oh, my God. Wow. What were you thinking?
Haley: One of the kids had an I.D., and she bought some drinks. Mm-hmm. I tried one, and then another one. It was stupid.
Claire: Yes. Yes, it was stupid, but you are really lucky that this did not end as badly as it could have. This is why we always say to you when you drink, you make bad decisions.
Haley: I know, I know. I just- [sighs]
Claire: One minute you're having wine coolers at homecoming, and the next the game of Truth or Claire sweeps your high school.
Haley: Thanks for not yelling at me.
Claire: Oh, honey. That would just be cruel. I'II wait till you feel better to yell.

Mitchell: Anyone! Anyone, help!
Cameron: Alert security! Seal off the island!

Phil: We say we'll make time, but life gets in the way. I mean, I know we're parents, but can't we be lovers too?
Jay: This may be my worst birthday ever.

Phil: He was stuck in a hammock. It was actually really funny. I was on top of him for, like, 20 minutes.
Jay: You need to go now.
Phil: Good night.

Jay: You'd have liked him- my old man.
Gloria: I'm sure.
Jay: And he'd have loved you. My God, that guy- He was a charmer.
Gloria: Mmm, I know the type.
Jay: And we had a lot of fun. But I'll tell you something. Our family vacations were nothing like this here. One week a year in a rented cottage on Lake Erie, spiders this big. [chuckles] I just wish he could have seen how things turned out.
Gloria: Well, if you keep going like this, maybe you can tell him yourself. Or I can tell him, because you're about to kill me, Jay. My legs, my arms, my back- everything is sore.
Jay: So I wore you out, huh?
Gloria: Oh, no, no, no. Don't get cocky, old man. When I sit down, I can still get up.