Haley: I can't believe I'm talking to my mom about this.
Claire: Honey, I told you, you're a grown-up now. I'm gonna respect your decisions, and let you live your life. It's the best gift I can give to you on your 21st birthday -- my friendship and unconditional acceptance.
Haley: Aw! That means so much to me right now. You know why?
Claire: Why?
Haley: Because I want to get a tattoo tonight, and I was afraid you'd say no.
Gloria: Ay, how could she say no after everything she just said to you?!
Claire: How could I say no? Is there a way?
Haley: Oh, my god, Mom, this is the best present ever! Could tonight get any better?!
Gloria: Yes! She can pay for it so you can get a really big one!

Claire: [on the phone] Phil, where are you? You have to get down here and stop Haley from getting a tattoo.
Phil: What, no, you stop her!
Claire: I can't. I made a commitment to being her friend.
Phil: Why would you do that?
Claire: I don't know. I was trying something. Just get down here with that car, and we can distract her.
Phil: I'd love to, but your dad played hardball and we lost it.
Claire: How on earth did you let that happen?!
Phil: I don't know. Why don't you ask the Tweety bird on Haley's neck?
Claire: Oh, god, not the neck. She's a tough-enough hire as it is.

Jay: Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
Phil: No, no, no, no. I'm done listening to you. I had a great deal. You know how I know? I called the salesman at the first dealership while you were sneaking your third hot dog, and it already sold.
Jay: Fine. We don't need it. Here's the plan: we tell them Haley is really sick.
Phil: Oh, my god, you're sick.
Jay: Good thinking! I'll be sick 'cause nobody cares about people they can't see.

Phil: I researched that car online for weeks, and then you swoop in with your tough-guy swagger to teach me a lesson about buying cars in the '70s!
Jay: You know, this all happened because of you, sitting there, covered in sweat and fear, undercutting my every word. Now, if you want a really good deal, you park your butt out here, play on your Internet. I'm going old-school on this sales weasel, and I'm gonna break him in half.
Salesperson: Is somebody helping you?
Phil: [yelling] He better be! [quietly] Yes, thank you so much.

Gloria: I found a tattoo shop nearby. It has four stars on Yelp, and it has military discount.
Haley: Well, Private Dorchester reporting for duty.

Gloria: You know what else you should do?
Claire: Another idea.
Gloria: You should do mother-and-daughter tattoos, like- like, uh, two halves of a heart.
Haley: Or the moon and some stars.
Gloria: Or, like, a bird and a rifle.

Haley: Oh, my God, let's do that! Yes! Yes! I mean, not that, but, like, let's get matching tattoos! I want to do that with you.
Claire: You do?
Haley: Yeah! It could be, like, our special thing that we have for the rest of our lives, just us.
And no matter where we go or what we do, when people ask us about our tattoos, we can say that they're from the best night of our lives together.

Cameron: You know what? I don't even need to be cool anymore. It's like, why?
Mitchell: Yes, exactly. Why? Who cares. Besides, isn't the cooler thing not caring if you're cool?
Cameron: Yeah, and if the new cool is not caring, then I'm supercool, not that I care.

Haley: Hey, guys! Guess what. We're getting matching tattoos.
Cameron: Love it. We're doing it, too. We need this.
Claire: Are you serious?
Mitchell: Are we serious?
Cameron: As serious as Bert and Ernie.

Tony: [horn honks] My father-in-law can be a jerk, too, so I got to say something. You got a much better deal than he got.
Jay: Some horn, huh?
Phil: [horn honks] What?
Tony: [horn honks] He came groveling into my office and begged me to lie and say that he got the better price, but he paid me the difference.
Phil: [horn honks] How much more did he pay?
Tony: [horn honks] $1,000.
Phil: [horn honks] Oh, my god, he really cares what I think about him.
Tony: [horn honks] More than you know.
Phil: [horn honks] That is one beautiful man.
Jay: Hey, dumbass, enough with the horn, huh?
Phil: [horn honks] I love you, too!