Luke: [aside to camera] I accidentally called my teacher "mommy." My "friend" Reuben went around and told everyone. "Oh, hey, Reuben, do you remember that class field trip to the zoo when the zebra rushed the fence and you peed your pants?" I didn't tell anyone, not even on the bus ride home when he had to sit next to mom-- Ms. Bockman! Damn it!

Sonia: [holding laundry basket] Where is the river?

Phil: Hey, kids. How was your day?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I knew the answer to that question. I'd had kind of a busy day going around solving everyone's problems. I started by going to see my buddy Stavros the florist. That's when I realized my kids didn't understand the concept of killing with kindness because they'd never seen it. So I decided I'd prove it to them by going on a huggacidal rampage.

Gloria: Sonia, can I help you?
Pilar: No, no, she's fine. It keeps her busy.
Sonia: We need more corn. Gloria, where is your garden? I will harvest some.
Pilar: They don't live that way, honey. Gloria, give me the keys. We'll go to the market.

Claire: [on the phone] So I got delayed picking up Lily from dance class. Now Gloria's got me running around doing a thousand things for christening.
Phil: Son of a bitch.
Claire: It's not that bad, really. I'm just- I'm venting.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I couldn't believe it. Somebody's balloons were blocking my billboard. Philboard. My philboard.

Haley: [aside to camera] Our neighbor's out of town, and she's paying me to move her car on street cleaning days. Now I would just park it in her driveway, but she already has a camper and a cord of wood there. Pretty sure she's a lesbian. Anyway, easy money, right? How do I tell her I snapped a branch on her beloved lemon tree? I mean, she boils the leaves to add a scent to her own work boot oil. Did I mention she plays in two softball leagues?

Gloria: She likes to keep busy. But I feel bad for her. I have so much, and she has nothing.
Claire: Okay. Well, people make their own choices. It's not like you're responsible.
Gloria: No, no. Maybe just a little bit. I was older and I had opportunities to travel, and I took them.
Claire: Well, it didn't prevent her from going anywhere.
Gloria: No, no. Maybe just one time. There was a letter that arrived from America about a job opportunity. And it was only for one person, and I went.
Claire: But it's not like the envelope was addressed to her, and you opened it and... You're evil.
Gloria: I had to get out of there, Claire.
Claire: You just strapped on those high heels and walked right over her back, didn't you?
Gloria: Maybe a little bit.

Sonia: Jay, if anything should happen to Gloria, I am there for you.
Gloria: What, Sonia? What's going to happen to me?
Sonia: You might go for a walk in your closet one day and never come back!

[as Luke carries out Phil's orders:]
Priest: Phil and Claire, as godparents, are you ready to help the parents of this child in their duties?
Both: We are.
Priest: Do you renounce Satan?
Phil: I do renounce him.
Claire: I do renounce him.
Priest: And all his works?
Phil: I do renounce them.
Priest: And all his empty promises?
Phil: I do renounce them.
Priest: Godfather, is it your wish that this child be baptized?
Phil: It is.

Gloria: Sonia, please, let us do this for you. I really want you to be happy. Can you forgive me?
Sonia: It will take some time.
Gloria: As much as you need.
Sonia: And some dresses.
Gloria: As many as you want.
Sonia: And some shoes.
Gloria: You're angry now.