Gloria: I really never saw this wedding pictures, mama. How handsome and young papa looks.
Pilar: Ay, it makes me sad.
Gloria: Ay, I know that you miss him.
Pilar: No. Look at my ass. There are two things in that picture I don't have anymore.

Jay: Hey, you're all awake. I didn't hear you.
Pilar: Oh, look at my two handsome men. Mi niño, Fulgencio Umberto.
Jay: You know, about the name, we're not entirely sure-
Pilar: Sonia, vámonos. Good-bye, Fulgencio. Say good-bye to Fulgencio.
Sonia: Good-bye, Fulgencio.
Jay: His name is Joe.
Gloria: You tell her that we're not naming him after her dead husband or his father before him. His name was-
Jay: Please don't say it again.
Gloria: Jay, I cannot go against my mother's will. But she likes you. Maybe if you convince her.
Jay: Fulgencio Umberto, the initials are F.U. Pritchett. Which is exactly the way it feels right now.

Cameron: Oh, my gosh. She has been so snarky lately.
Mitchell: I know. I've actually been getting nervous when we're making her late for something.
Cameron: Because of what she said the other day?
Mitchell: "Today, ladies."
Cameron: Hurtful.

Alex: [aside to camera] I'm having a '60s-themed birthday party next week. Hippies, bell-bottoms, tie-dye. Karen Sullivan heard about it, and decided to have the same party tonight. Not groovy.

Haley: [horns honking] Oh, my God, I can't see anything!
Luke: Hard starboard!
Haley: What does that even mean?!
Man: Move your car!
Dylan: How much longer do I have to block people? I'm late for the airport.
Haley: Dylan, you are being no help right now!
Dylan: Sorry, but I'm already in trouble with dispatch for drinking all those little waters.

Phil: Is that Reuben rockin' the Potter specs? Quiddiculous! Hey, listen, buddy, I heard about Luke calling his teacher "mommy." Epic fail, by the way. But, you know, since you're one of the cool kids, maybe you could get the other ones to ease off a little? Cool. Air bump.

Phil: Hey, Lee, it's Phil Dunphy from down the street. We haven't met. I was actually calling to leave a message for your wife, just to say thanks for hiring my daughter Haley. Listen, we'd love to have you and the missus over for a glass of wine, or- Or, uh, maybe you and I could go out for a boys' night. But anyway, if you could- Damn it!

Phil: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! One at a time!
Haley: You called Ms. Cooper a man!
Phil: No, I didn't. I got her husband Lee on the machine.
Haley: There is no husband! She's Lee! Weirdly deep-voiced, alcoholic, gay Lee Cooper who you invited out for a glass of wine!
Alex: Thanks to your little charm offensive with Karen, one thing did change about her party, I'm not invited!
Luke: "Quiddiculous"? "Epic fail"? Now the whole school is just laughing at both of us.

Gloria: I want you to wear something beautiful tonight. So please, choose.
Sonia: What is this room?
Gloria: This is the closet.
Sonia: So all the people of the town, they leave their nice clothes with you?
Gloria: No. These are all my clothes. But I do miss the simple things at home.

Gloria: How are things in the village?
Sonia: We had a flood.
Gloria: Ay, but it- It wasn't a bad one, right?
Sonia: We had a boat.
Gloria: Ay, that's great.
Sonia: We had a boat.