Alex: Arvin wants to meet before I sign the contract, for some reason.
Haley: Ooh. I bet I know the reason why. 'Cause he wants to get with you.
Alex: No, he does not. He's about to be my boss.
Haley: Which is why he wants to talk before you sign. Nowadays, you get in trouble for dating at work unless it's a pre-existing relationship. I know this because I had to go to an HR thing thanks to some smoking-hot janitor who can't take a compliment. [scoffs]
Alex: Married mother of two, and you are insane.

Claire: Phil! Bacon? They're gonna smell that.
Phil: Oh, my God! I didn't think about that! Quick! Eat it! Ow! Worth it. Ow! Worth it.

Phil: Okay, family meeting. Please. Sit down. Dylan, please. Thank you. Now, um, this is gonna sound harsh. No... No parent with half a heart wants to say this, so, Claire?
Claire: Fine. I have no problem saying it. There are too many people living in this house. It's disgusting! I think there's something alive in the kitchen sink water.
Dylan: It's just Sinky.
Luke: You didn't turn on the garbage disposal, did you?
Claire: O-Okay. W-We cannot live this way! One of you has to move out.

Phil: Look, if one of you doesn't volunteer, your mother's gonna have to pick someone.
Alex: Well, Haley's the oldest. There's four of them. And honestly, it's only a matter of time before she gets pregnant again.
Luke: [scoffs] Especially since he's a wiggler.
Dylan: Whoa! We can say it.

Mitchell: Hey, Cam. Look! Cam! Cam!
Cameron: Oh, s... I'm sorry. My... My mind was elsewhere. [chuckles]
Mitchell: Our neighbor just dropped this off. So sweet! And... And guess what. She's a pediatrician.
Cameron: Oh.
Mitchell: I mean, how lucky is that?
Jotham: Oh, that's amazing! Now you don't have to ugly up the house with baby-proofing.
Mitchell: Don't ever have kids.

Mitchell: There's champagne, there's truffles, there's caviar.
Cameron: Ohh, city folk, huh?! I mean, whatever happened to a basket of apples and a thoughtfully misspelled note?! I mean, huh? It's like...

Jay: Anyways, we brought you a housewarming gift.
Gloria: Jay deserves all the credit.
Jay: Close your eyes.
Gloria: Maybe never open them.

Mitchell: Hey, everyone? Um, I just want to thank you all for coming to see our new home and meet our precious new roommate, Rexford. [laughter] And, uh, I also want to thank my wonderful husband, Cam, who really led the charge and made all of this possible. I-I couldn't be happier right now, and it's all because of him. Now, if I could just get him to give up hogging the covers, huh? [laughter]
Cameron: 'Cause I haven't given up enough for you! [all gasp]
Phil: [to Claire] This is so embarrassing. I just realized Ronaldo was offering me quiche.

Mitchell: So, y-you were never gonna tell me you got offered the job?
Cameron: It's just that you seemed so happy, and I couldn't ask you to give that up.
Mitchell: Cam, you've been wanting to move closer to your family for years, and... and this is your dream job. No. No. T-This is my chance to be there for you.
Cameron: Are you sure?
Mitchell: Look, I-I don't care where we live, as... as long as you're there by my side. Always.

Claire: Mitchell. Mitchell. That was beautiful.
Mitchell: Well, everyone was looking at me. What the [bleep] was I supposed to say?