‘Fears’
Season 1, Episode 16 - Aired March 3, 2010
Phil must confront his fear of the dark and go in the crawlspace under the house with Luke. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron are upset when Lily's first word is 'Mommy', Haley takes her driving test, and Gloria tries to help Manny over his fear of rollercoasters.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: I don't even know why we're doing this.
Cameron: Because what if Lily gets sick and there's a Tamiflu shortage? Who do you think's gonna get that medicine? The patient she likes, that's who.
Mitchell: Well, maybe if you bake her a cake, she'll give us free X-rays.
Cameron: It's all about making connections. Why do you think the dentist gives me all that free stuff?
Mitchell: Um, because he's a huge queen and he has a big crush on you.
Cameron: Really? Do you think so?
Quote from Mitchell
Cameron: Can I just say that is a lovely outfit.
Dr. Miura: Oh. Thank you.
Cameron: Well, it's just nice to see you out of your lab coat. You actually have quite a nice figure.
Mitchell: Take it down a notch. We're trying to make a friend, not initiate a three-way.
Quote from Lily
Dr. Miura: Don't worry. She's perfect. Aren't you, Lily?
Mitchell: Oh, look how calm she is with you. She's usually very fidgety around new people.
Cameron: Well, I just think she senses you're gonna be a good friend for her during good times and- and flu season.
Lily: Mommy.
Cameron: Did she just- Did she just say-
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Well, her first word was every gay father's worst nightmare.
Cameron: [sobbing] "Mommy."
Quote from Jay
Gloria: Jay, he won't admit it, but I know that Manny's sad because he's missing the party. Why don't we take him somewhere to take his mind off it, hmm?
Jay: I could have guessed he'd have trouble with roller coasters. That kid gets woozy at barbershops when they spin his chair towards the mirror.
Quote from Manny
Gloria: Manny, you like to fish?
Manny: Fishing? Yeah.
Gloria: You want to go to the pier today?
Manny: Is this a trick to see if I'm really sick?
Gloria: No. Maybe the fresh air will make you feel better.
Manny: Well, then yeah, 'cause there's no place where I'm more at one with-
Jay: Just get your coat.
Quote from Cameron
Dr. Miura: This is delicious.
Cameron: Oh. Thank you. The recipe's from the now-defunct Gourmet magazine. Why do all the things I love go away?
Dr. Miura: Look, I don't even think she said the "M" word.
Cameron: No, we heard it. It was clear as day. I- I just don't know what we've done wrong. I quit my job so I could stay at home with her. [tearfully] But maybe it's not enough. Maybe we're not providing her with the feminine energy that she needs. [sobs]
Dr. Miura: Yeah, I wouldn't be too concerned about that.
Quote from Mitchell
Cameron: You- You know it's because you're Asian, right?
Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: No, I'm sorry. What? Am I just supposed to ignore the giant panda in the room?
Dr. Miura: Pandas are from China. I- Well, it doesn't matter.
Mitchell: Okay, okay. I think what my hysterical partner is just trying to say, and if I may, that for the first six months of her life, Lily was raised by very loving Asian women, in an orphanage, with whom she clearly bonded. And then suddenly you come in with all of your Asian-ness and-and-and breasts and womb, lady bits- and it all just comes rushing back to her, and I-
Quote from Cameron
Dr. Miura: You guys are overreacting. I'm sure Lily just strung a couple of random syllables together, and they happen to sound something like that word. But that's all.
Cameron: Do you really think that?
Dr. Miura: Of course.
Mitchell: She's right. She's right.
Cameron: We're being ridiculous.
Mitchell: We're being ridiculous.
Cameron: Your daddies are being ridiculous.
Lily: Mommy.
Cameron: Okay. Well- [silverware cluttering]
Dr. Miura: Mr. Tucker-
Cameron: Okay. No, no, no. [weeping] She's made her choice! She's made her choice.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: Manny, you have to face your fears.
Jay: That's why we're here? Why didn't you let me in on your little plan?
Gloria: Because you're the worst liar. He would have seen right through you.
Manny: I don't wanna go on the roller coaster.
Gloria: Manny, you were afraid to light the barbecue, but now your eyebrows have grown back and your salmon is legendary.
Quote from Luke
Luke: Still can't believe you lost my truck.
Phil: It's gone, buddy. Let it go. You know, maybe it's better we don't solve this little mystery. Sometimes treasure's more sparkly in your imagination. Or it could be gold or baseball cards or pirate maps.
Luke: Do you really think there could be pirate maps under there?
Phil: I'm a hundred percent sure it's possible.
Luke: All right. I'm going in.